Monday, September 24, 2007

Later That Day

I feel like posting, there is so much that I want to say. Other things can't wait for me to get it out though.

Maybe after dinner. Maybe
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Sometimes when I get really down, I get really selfish. I want everyone to read my mind and just know. I don't want to talk. I just want to wallow. I'm hurting today. A whole lot of little stuff and a bit of big stuff has been thrown together to make one hell of a hurting kind of day. I don't much feel like divulging all of this over the Internet. Let's just say that things haven't really been going well for a bit now. I thought that everything was improving, but I was wrong. Oh, was I SO wrong. I have work to do. I have a better person to become. I have a better place to get to. I'm going there. One step at a time, learning with every stutter step along the way. I feel defeated. I feel as though I have no support in this. Mainly I feel like I can't lean on anyone. This is hard, really hard and the worst part is I feel likes its all in my head. Like people read this as a bid for attention when really it's just me, confused, dazed and defeated. I wake up each morning putting one foot in front of the other, striving to just learn one thing each day. Striving to improve infinitesimally each day. I know that self improvement is a long journey, I'm willing to do the work, it's just hard work. This feels a bit like a ramble. Like I won't even understand it later. I don't really much care though, it all has to come out.

I need to make lists. I need to see what needs to be done. I need to know that in the end it will all turn out for the best. Confidence, I need confidence.

Better, it will all get better, because disarray can only last for so long before the clearing in the woods becomes a pasture. I'm working through it, it's getting better.

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