Tuesday, September 25, 2007


I'm feeling better today. Feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I've said my piece and now I'm done. I'm going to just let it be. In the mean time I'm preparing for the worst, and praying for the best. I'm scared, really scared...but all I can do is cross my fingers and hope. Maybe he got the message.

Things at work are less frustrating, I can taste the finished product of my dress. It feels so good, it feels so good to know that I can do something that boggled my mind so much.

I'm off now, to finish up what I've started. Hooray! I can't wait until it's done!

I don't feel like I need this button today!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Later That Day

I feel like posting, there is so much that I want to say. Other things can't wait for me to get it out though.

Maybe after dinner. Maybe

Sometimes when I get really down, I get really selfish. I want everyone to read my mind and just know. I don't want to talk. I just want to wallow. I'm hurting today. A whole lot of little stuff and a bit of big stuff has been thrown together to make one hell of a hurting kind of day. I don't much feel like divulging all of this over the Internet. Let's just say that things haven't really been going well for a bit now. I thought that everything was improving, but I was wrong. Oh, was I SO wrong. I have work to do. I have a better person to become. I have a better place to get to. I'm going there. One step at a time, learning with every stutter step along the way. I feel defeated. I feel as though I have no support in this. Mainly I feel like I can't lean on anyone. This is hard, really hard and the worst part is I feel likes its all in my head. Like people read this as a bid for attention when really it's just me, confused, dazed and defeated. I wake up each morning putting one foot in front of the other, striving to just learn one thing each day. Striving to improve infinitesimally each day. I know that self improvement is a long journey, I'm willing to do the work, it's just hard work. This feels a bit like a ramble. Like I won't even understand it later. I don't really much care though, it all has to come out.

I need to make lists. I need to see what needs to be done. I need to know that in the end it will all turn out for the best. Confidence, I need confidence.

Better, it will all get better, because disarray can only last for so long before the clearing in the woods becomes a pasture. I'm working through it, it's getting better.


a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behavior; "a confusion of impressions" [syn:
untidiness (especially of clothing and appearance)
bring disorder to [syn:
disorder] [ant: order]

the above is the state of my life

not looking so great today

aww, well we all go through it

tomorrow will be better, I am sure of it

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Check This Out

Alright, so a few days back I posted about not being able to cut my project. Well the past couple of days I have been cutting it on and off. I finished cutting yesterday right before I left work. This morning I come in and get started right away. I now have the outside layer of the dress done. Holy crap was it hard. I had no idea how complicated it was going to be. At any rate I feel really proud of myself for doing a good job. I don't think it is perfect but it still looks great.

In other news, things are going better today than they have the past few days. It has finally stopped raining here, at least for today. I bowled like complete crap last night but that's all right. We ended up winning most of our points. Which is good. Great really.

So in the news lots of really crazy things have been happening this week. I'll bullet just for fun.

  • Nebraska Senator files law suit against GOD! I must say that he must be a complete idiot and that I'm glad he doesn't sit next to me all day at work.
  • A false website for the selling of daughters into marriage is exposed. The point of the experiment was met with lots of buzz. I hope it gets more people thinking.
  • The Emmy's were Sunday and while I don't agree with all the fashion commentary, I must say that I love, love, love watching all those beautiful people in great clothes walk that carpet.
  • The Jena 6 march was today and I haven't heard anything about a violent outcry. This whole situation is ridiculous. I am white and I see that what is happening is completely unfair and racist. These boys should be let go, maybe expelled from school or given probation for the fight but the kid that got beat up probably deserved it for his nasty comments and well he was out partying the same night so he must have been fine.
  • Beauty and the Geek started this week, how exciting it's going to be a great season.
  • Kid Nation was way awesome and I'm totally going to be watching that show.
  • SO SO looking forward to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy. Ummm, Mc Dreamy and Tey Diggs, how will my heart survive.

There you have the news from me. Hopefully things continue to look up and maybe tomorrow I will have a finished dress. Can't wait to see it all done! It's going to be so great.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Two Choices

In life we have two choices, the wild walk and the straight and narrow. Sometimes we choose to walk on the wild side, others we choose the straight and narrow. You don't always have to do the same thing, otherwise brilliant ideas would be stifled. I do feel like sometimes there is a right and a wrong and the line must be toed. The wild side isn't always wrong, but sometimes it's very wrong and you shouldn't choose it. Learn from your mistakes, toe the line, choose the right side. I know, easier said than done. Maybe it just seems easier to me because I have visited the wild side so rarely. Maybe it would be harder if I had to make more difficult choices. For now my choices are easy and I am thankful. My choices are easy, my life uncomplicated and I am thankful.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Failure is Not an Option

Think about it, what we need is someone who is middle of the road and can follow through. I really love what this campaign is speaking out for. Join now on dividedwefail.org! It is so worth it to show your support.

What? What do you want from me?

Sometimes I feel like I have no choice. I am stuck by my own actions. I have no options. I have no freedom. Then, I am struck like a baseball to the forehead; you made the choices, you got yourself stuck. Just as quickly as I realize this I begin to get unstuck. None of this is anybodies fault but my own. My mistakes lead me to where I am and teach me to go somewhere different. Still I am stuck. Stuck to the side of the love of my life. Fighting for us to just make it. Fighting for him to see that his choices lead him into the life he lives. Make different choices get a different outcome. This isn't all about me this time. This is all about you. See it, feel it, fear it, then stand up and smack the piss out of it. Then, and only then, your life will change. Maybe it will get worse, but somehow I see that as improbable. It can only get better, don't you see. Of course you don't, that's why you blame me. That's why you blame us. That's why you can't move towards the future. Find your future for you, find it for only you. Then you will be happy and you will have no one to thank but yourself, just as you have no one to blame for your unhappiness but you.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Way To MY Heart

I am a lover of silly simple things. I love rubber ducks and chicken noodle soup. I like to be talked to rather than talked at. I love honesty, even if it cuts in the moment. So the way to my heart would seem simple. Honesty, love, support, understanding and a rubber duck for good measure. Not so hard, even though it seems he just doesn't get it.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Here We Go Again

Today, I came to wrok thinking that I would get to do this awesome project, well at least get started on it anyway, but now I can't. My boss did a silly thing and didn't think about the amount of fabric that we would need and now there isn't a enough to cut the project. GRRRRR!

In other news, well there really isn't much other news.

  • Katy, Dan and Jackson will be down in like a month. That will be fun. Jackson has gotten so BIG! Can't wait to see them and just hang out for a bit.
  • Benjamin has a job interview on Saturday. Hope that things work out there. This would be an awesome opportunity for him.
  • The new car is awesome, even if it is missing a cover on the back door handle. they're fixing it on Saturday.
  • Things are going supper otherwise.

So, for now that's all. Maybe more later at some other point today.

Much love!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Entry One

Alright, so I'm moving my blogging from myspace to here. I never update there anyway so maybe starting from scratch will make me want to update. Somehow I doubt that. For now, I will remain optimistic. I'll be back later today to write all about me and what's going on in my life. More...soon...I promise.