Thursday, January 29, 2009

a weird week

It's been a weird week. I've been making pro-con lists that would make Rory Gilmore proud. So far a decision hasn't been made. I keep thinking that maybe I'll feel differently when I have more information. As it stands right now, I don't know what to do. Last night I realized that one of the my biggest fears is being seen as a disappointment if I choose not to go. In that same thought I'm afraid that later I'll see myself as a disappointment. All I know is that I have no idea. This kind of indecision is not good for me. It drives me to the point of distraction, and near depression. I don't want to give up on this, but I think that I'm in need of two fully functional plans. Maybe it will get better soon. Maybe I'll be able to figure something out. In time this will all play out and I'll look back here and chuckle at my impatient self, until then I'll just drive myself up the wall of the loony bin!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

*shrugs shoulers*

I feel like I keep having this conversation with myself

Will you be upset if you don't get in to grad school?
*shrugs shoulders*
What do you really want to do?
*shrugs shoulders*
What will you do after grad school?
*shrugs shoulders*
Would you rather stay here?
*shrugs shoulders*

So, I can't get a straight answer. I never imagined how incredibly frustrating this would feel. It's like my brain is pretending to be two years old or something. Maybe it's on auto pilot in an effort to not stress over the fact that it has now been 3 months since I sent in my application and I've yet to here anything back. I'm nervous. The contingency plan was never supposed to actually be the plan but I find myself spending more time working out how it could actually work. Maybe that's bad, I have no idea. My heart just doesn't feel like it's in it anymore. I'm discouraged and frustrated at the same time. That's a hard place to be.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Something you may not know

A change seems to be taking place in me. I seem to be headed in a modified direction. Still going in the same general direction just, a more definite way. I don't know it's really hard to explain. All I can say is that I think I'm ready, but really you just never know.

Over the weekend I talked to Matthew about why he isn't a member of his own church. I think that maybe I might have been able to help him see that there is no time like the present. In talking to him I sort of realized that I've done the exact same things in my life. I keep putting off deciding think that at some point I'll have more time to read and really comprehend to the best of my ability. So, in an effort to take a bit of my own advice I'm on my way to reading through the Bible and trying to at least be able to understand in some chronological order how these things came to pass. I sort of feel really behind the ball and like I'm running to catch up but, I'm giving it my best effort and that's all I can do.

All of this leads to a conversation had last night about my complete and utter impatience. I have never been a patient person. I need lots of distractions when I have to wait for things and currently nothing is big enough to distract me from thinking about the possible directions my life could be headed in August. So, Matthew says to me patience is a virtue and I snap back one I have never possessed. And then he replies, Well maybe God is trying to teach you to be patient. I suppose that I have never looked at it that way. Maybe he is right. All I know is that for some reason today I feel less restless and that even though not knowing is a huge pain I can sort of still function.

The design process for R.U.R. has been sort of delayed. The original vision didn't really line up with the people who got cast and now the designs are being re-worked so we are in a holding pattern in the shop. So, maybe this afternoon I'll get another section done on my quilt.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Ever have a day when you feel utterly stuck in your own life. Not a bad kind of stuck, just stuck. Like I have so many things on my plate but I can't touch any of them right now. I just want to know the decisions and move on with my life. But that's not going to happen for some time I fear. Oh and there is the whole issue of what's going on in years 4 and 5 of the five year plan. Could someone please invent some sort of filter that lets you only see past the next 6 months when you need to and not because you're being all whimsical and teary eyed over everyone you know getting married in the last year, save one, okay maybe three. The others were already married so they don't count. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

So off I go to pout about my life being a big huge tease and nobody being able to do a single thing about it. On a bright note, pork roast for dinner. Now that's something that I can really look forward to....pshhhh who am I kidding that doesn't hold a candle to planning your imaginary wedding with an endless budget.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Now, to be resolute

My new year's resolutions:

  • Keep my kitchen clean
  • Go through all of my boxes before I move again
  • Finish my TAW quilt top by the time I move
  • Be better at sticking to my budget
  • Keep up with my blogs
  • Walk every day for at least 20 minutes
  • Fit into the dress on the door by Dec.

So, 7 resolutions shouldn't be to hard to keep. What blows my budget every month is fast food. In order to accomplish fitting into the dress I have to cut out the fast food. Walking everyday should help with this too. I hate cleaning the kitchen when it gets really yucky so I'm hopeing tackling it daily will prevent having to clean it on the weekend. Hopefully, in July, I'll be moving to Baton Rouge, LA to start graduate school. This means downsizing a whole lot so I need to go through everything that I have. Lastly, I've been working on this TAW quilt off and on for nearly two years. I'd like to get it done so I can enjoy it.

I do an okay job of keeping this blog up to date but I now have two others to keep track of too. My craft blog can be found at I hope to do a better job at photographing my craft work and posting it there. The holdiay season went by with nearly everyone on my list getting some sort of gift I worked on and I now have no picutres of those projects. Grrr!

Also, I created a new blog to track this new lifestyle change. I'll work at putting some progress photos up in the near future and also some recipes that I really really love and are pretty healthy.

So, here's to a new year full of lots of fun.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Back to Work

I have some catching up to do here. It's the 5th of January and there have been no posts here in nearly a month. I've been home for the holidays and far to busy to even think about updating my blog. I have some great photos to share and a few thoughts too. I'll work on putting it all together tonight as I am trying to finish up my pre-semester to-do list today. I hope everyone had an awesome holiday season and cheers to a great and happy new year.