Why My Mind Wanders

I'm not sure why my mind goes here but I wonder sometimes. I wonder why you did the things that you did. I wonder how I let my guard down so far that I couldn't see you for who you were. More than that I wonder how we got to where we were and why I never saw the warning signs. I wanted so badly to believe that everything was going to be okay. I knew in my heart that you could never be the person that I needed you to be. I knew that you were never going to get past the end of your own nose. So, tell me then why I still think of you. Why, when things are going so well for me right now do you creep back into my heart and burn my eyes with those tears? I don't ask about you. It had been months since you had crossed my mind. Then suddenly, everywhere I turned you were there. I heard stories about you from several people. I had memories that I never wanted to remember drudged from the depths of my memory. Why do people think that it's okay to do that? Why do they think that I care? Why do I care? Why? Now I am just a week from our anniversary and I want so badly to just skip the day. You'll be 24 this year and still living like a rebellious 14 year old. I don't know if you read this, a couple of people from G-Town stop by every once and awhile and you may just be one of them.

Here are some things that you might like to know:
I'm happy. Really happy.
I took the GRE and I'm working on going back to school
I'm okay. I realize now that you brought out the worst possible person in me and that you could never meet my needs.
I've found someone really awesome.
We fit like long lost puzzle pieces.
He takes very good care of me.
He brings out the best in me.
Riley is well. He's so smart now.

This will not become a survey blog

1. When you were fourteen, who was your favorite band?
Probably something really geeky, I really don't know though
2. Do you repeat yourself often and not realize it?
Most likely, I vocalize my thoughts a lot and I know that I think the same things often
3. Are you afraid of becoming middle-aged?
Not really
4. What are seven things you couldn't live without?
Family, friends, books, music, learning, a creative outlet, words
5. What if the furthest you've traveled?
Somewhere in Europe but, I'm not working out the mileage
6. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
If I think about it really hard
7. Have you ever worked with acid during a science experiment?
Yes
8. Have you ever seen or do you ever want to see an opera? If so, which one?
I think I've seen one, but I don't really remember
9. Do you know a woman named Wanda?
No. Should I?
10. What is your favorite thing to do for fun on the weekends?
I live for Sunday's with Matthew and anything I do with him is always fun
11. Do you ever listen to songs and music in different languages?
It depends on my mood
12. Have you ever tried drugs? If so, which ones?
Sure, but then that's really none of your business is it
13. Do you like the sun or the clouds better?
I like them together, nice puffy white clouds in a bright blue sky with the sun peaking out, I'm such a 5 year old crayon drawing
14. Do you think love at first sight is really lust at first sight?
Most likely
15. What is a material possession you would have difficulty giving up?
My collection of wardrobe things, shoes, clothes, purses all of that
16. What do you really want to do right now?
Hug my boyfriend, that's so simple but he's so far away and it's only going to get worse
17. Would you rather make love or have sex?
make love
18. Name something that is full of nothing.
What?
19. What is your favorite memory from your childhood?
I have so many, I could never just pick one
20. Would you rather have knowledge or wisdom? Or do you think the two go hand-in-hand?
I think they go hand in hand and would love to have both
21. What is your favorite thing to do when you're alone?
Read...read read read
22. Have you ever donated cans to a charity for the poor?
Yes
23. At what age is the best for you to have a baby?
So far the five year plan just barely includes starting to try to have children...but then that also implies a lot of other things...wow that shows how much of a planner I am
24. When you bring a friend to hang out with one of your other friends who they don't know, do you sometimes forget to introduce them?
Sadly yes
25. Did you think the remake of the Amityville horror was better, just as good, or worse than the original?
I've never seen either
26. Do you know a guy with a name that typically is used for a girl?
Not that I know of
27. Are you religious? Do you believe in prayer?
I don't think I fit the "religious" mold but I do believe in prayer.
28. Do you have a guardian angel? If so, who is it?
My Dad's dad, but he's busy now and I haven't seen him in awhile
29. What is one thing that angers you the most when it comes to relationships?
My being so spoiled...really it drives me to the point of madness because then I expect it and that just isn't fair
30. How often do you go to the bathroom each day?
Enough
31. What three places in the world do you want to travel to?
England, Australia, Germany
32. Do you wear hats? If so, what sort of hats do you wear?
I have the worst hat head ever
33. Are you feeling any pressure right now? If so, from what?
Yes, from myself about school and if it's going to work out
34. Do you enjoy the rain?
Usually, as long as it isn't scary
35. Is there a threat of tropical disasters (hurricanes, monsoons, etc.) where you live?
Yes, how terrifying and even more so when you aren't home and have no idea what is going on at your house and you can't call anyone because no one knows and yeah...I was a nervous wreck
36. Have you ever run into a door?
Just today on my way through the dressing room today
37. What do you think of teased hair?
Why!!!!!!
38. If you had the chance to skydive, would you?
Depends on a long list of things
39. When it comes to bands, do you find the singer more attractive or the guitarist?
Instrument makes no difference
40. Do you like classic cars?
Pretty
41. What is the first thing you think when you see a person wearing a leather jacket?
Well first off does it fit, then what does it look like because that makes the difference between hot and ewww
42. Do you find dreadlocks sexy or disgusting?
disgusting
43. If you had the power to freeze time, what would you do with that power?
mmmmm...I could think of so much
44. What is your life motto?
I plan, I don't have a motto
45. What color are your toenails painted?
Orange, in the spirit of fall and my most favorite holiday
46. Do you listen to orchestra tributes to your favorite band?
ummm, no
47. When was the last time you cried? What was the reason? Did you feel ridiculous for crying afterwards?
Not to long ago, I'm sure it was about having to leave and no I did not feel ridiculous
48. Would you consider yourself more of a leader or a follower?
Depends on the group
49. Do you find it annoying when someone is too sarcastic?
I am best friends with the president of the sarcasm society of the world, I only find it annoying when people take the sarcastic thing seriously
50. What do you do to cure your headaches?
Take some non-aspirin, un-coated pain reliever and drink loads of water
51. Have you ever thought of running away?
No, not really
52. Do you own diamond jewelry? Yes, but I have no earthly idea what to do with it because it meant something once and now I just have it and I don't want to wear it in any form really but I don't want to sell it either because then whatever I buy will be tainted by the memory so for now it sits in the safety deposit box
53. Have you ever dated the same person more than once? Did you regret it afterwards?
Yes, when I was in high school and that never ended well
54. Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes
55. Has anyone ever called you a "bitch." Was it deserved?
Yes and probably sometimes deserved and sometimes not
56. Were you scared the first time you drove?
Terrified
57. Do you eat your apples with the skin still on or do you peel it off?
I do my best to not eat apples unless they are in pie
58. Name five of your obsessions:
Books, Music, Handbags (made or bought), Clothes, Shoes
59. Have you ever shot a gun?
Yes
60. Do you like rap/hip-hop music? If so, do you like the beats or the lyrics better?
Not really
61. What is a lie you've told that made you feel bad after telling it?
Why would I call myself out?
62. Have you ever watched the sun rise?
Yes
63. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a pool?
I'll only really swim where I can see the bottom
64. When did you learn how to ride a bike? Who taught you?
I was young like 5 or six and I wasn't allowed to go off the street that we lived on, my Daddy of course
65. Do you believe in aliens?
No
66. Do you know a homophobe? Are you friends with them?
A few, I think I might be friends with one and that scares me a little bit
67. Do you think polygamy should be legal?
Not after reading The 19th Wife, even if it was fiction I could imagine that it could be worse than that
68. When you wake up, do you hear birds chirping?
Not usually
69. Have you ever seen an animal eat another animal? On TV or in real life?
In real life
70. Have you ever uttered the phrase, "Bitch, please?" Why'd you say it?
I don't really know for sure, If I did I was probably being funny in the moment
71. Are you bitter about anything?
I try not to be but sometimes it creeps up before I can catch it
72. What do you think of brown belts with black shoes?
People come on just buy two belts already!!!!
73. What is the craziest hairstyle or haircut you have ever seen?
I've seen some pretty bad ones, we'll leave it at that
74. Have you ever got a blister? If so, where did you get it from?
I have had them in lots of places for ex. on my hand from bowling or that one time I tried to steam my skin off with the deep fryer and on my feet from shoes of course
75. What color blush do you wear?
A pretty pink one, when I' in the mood for blush
76. Do you believe every person was put on this earth for a pre-destined reason or do you believe that you create your destiny through your actions?
I think that pre-destination is a factor but I also think the path you choose has a lot to do with how things turn out for you and that in the end your choices define who you become
77. Is there a person who used to make you happy that you can no longer stand? If so, who is it?
Yes, Benjamin
78. Would you find deep-sea fishing exciting?
Probably not
79. Do you think men are complicated or simple?
I think that everyone is complicated, I think that men are easier to read based on my experiences
80. Would you rather date a bad boy or a nice boy? Why?
A nice boy, because a bad boy would get on my nerves
81. Have you ever had a nervous breakdown?
Not like a seek medical attention breakdown but I have had days where nothing went right and I ended up screaming and crying and sobbing and having a panic attack and all that fun stuff
82. Have you ever stepped on glass? Did you need stitches?
yes, no

A survery of sorts

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now
1. I wish you could know how affraid I am, I know that you would calm my fears but I just wish you could understand my fear
2. I am so proud of everything that you have done, I miss you but I don't want you to come home becuase this is good for you
3. I wish that I lived closer to you and I'm sorry that you are going through all that CRAP
4. If you are happy, truely happy, then I'm happy for you and I'm glad that somehow things turned around for you two
5. I know that you are hurting, I wish I was there to cuddle you and cry with you
6. Thank you for everything that you have given me, I am who I am today becuase of you
7. I wish that you would wise up, you are so much smarter than this life that you are leading
8. You have five years before you get grandkids...I wish you would shape up so that you'll be here for them
9. I'm going to miss you and the antics of this place, I can't thank yo enough for everything that you have taught me
10. You are a prick who has done nothing but take advantage of the people who love you and I hope one day you'll realize what you have done and change who you are.

Nine things about myself
1. I love a boy that loves ME back for the first time ever
2. I have a puppy that is the center of my world for now
3. I can debate almost anything, even if I don't believe in the cause
4. I have made more bad decisions than I care to admit to but, I am stronger for being allowed to fall flat on my face
5. I love clothes and fashion and color but, I almost never buy anything in the heart of the season
6. I'm slow at math but secretly love how it works
7. I am loaning 5 formal dresses that have never been worn right out of my closet and you know what there are at least 10 more where those came from
8. I love to shop, especially for other people and watch them in wonder as they discover that you don't have to wear the same old things to feel comfortable
9. I have a stack of books that I want to read so badly that I am tempted to start them all at the same time.

Eight ways to win my heart
1. Be honest
2. Have a plan for the direction of your life
3. Be the cuddley, holding hand type of person
4. Feed me
5. Talk to me about things I don't know about in a way that I will understand but won't make me feel like you are trying to explain astrophysics to a five year old
6. Have convictions/strong opinons about things that matter to you
7. Take care of yourself and smell yummy
8. Get along with my friends and family becuase they are an extention of me

Seven things that cross my mind a lot
1. My five year plan
2. Grad school and affording it
3. What's for dinner/lunch?
4. How many hours until I get to see him again
5. What are we doing at work today?
6. Can I make a list for that
7. How everyone that I know is doing

Six things that I do before I fall asleep
1. Put on my PJs
2. Brush my teeth
3. Double check all the locks on the doors
4. Fold the blanket down at the foot of my bed
5. Set the alarm
6. Call Matthew to say goodnight if we aren't already on the phone

Five people who mean a lot to me
1. My Mom and Daddy
2. Penny
3. Matthew
4. Amanda, Jen, Jen, Katy, Lizzy
5. Lynnsey

Four things I'm wearing right now
1. Blue Jeans
2. Pink Polo
3. Cirque zip hoodie
4. Sneakers

Three songs/artists that I listen to often
1. Jessica Simpson, Do you Know and Your My Sunday
2. Keith Urban
3. Anything on the radio

Two things that I want to do before I die
1. Have and raise children
2. Travel to the rest of the world

One confession
I will always hate to be wrong, but I'll always say I'm sorry.

Yesterday Morning

I have thought long and hard about what lies below this paragraph. I don't know if anyone of consequence to this situation actually reads this blog. At this point I don't care. Maybe, this isn't the right thing to do. It's the only option that I feel like I have.

My answer yesterday was a cop out. I wanted so badly to scream in rage out at you. I have never felt so protective of someone I know so little about. You are her sister. She is YOUR SISTER!!!!!! How could you say those things. How could you air her laundry for the world to see without her there to defend herself? How could you tell all of that without the history? How could you not take partial responsibility for her feeling so isolated in her own home that she doesn't want to come home? I will never understand what you did. EVER! I know that you don't agree with what is going on. I know that in your eyes and the eyes of your family she is making a huge mistake. I know that you think you know best. Then I must ask what kind of example have you lead?
I hate more than anything when parents say that adult older children are the example for younger adult children. By the time you are an adult you should be making your own choices free and clear from the shadow of your siblings. But still I know that your family believes in this sort of thing so I must say what example have you set. You were in a volatile, to but it nicely, relationship with a person that you claim to have loved but can't stop pulling through the mud at every opportunity. Is that what you want for your sister? Really?
You had no business talking about your sister like this. As if you have been nothing but a support system to her and truly can't understand her desire to not be looked down upon. People talk, we all know that your relationship isn't exactly supportive.
So, I stand by my answer of not knowing the ins and outs. I know that I am missing pieces. I also know that as her sister, you should never go behind her back and call her out in that manner. A family is supposed to be a source of love and companionship, not a source of strife where everyone but the person who you are miffed at knows the source of aggravation. If you want it to get better you have to work at it. And you have to work at it fairly.
You should feel lucky that everyone doesn't know every failure that you have had in your faith. I can't believe you. I just can't believe that behavior.

Let Me

Keep your head there on my shoulder.
Let's just lay here for awhile.
We can hurry when were older.
Girl don't worry about tomorrow.
That just seems so far away.
Luckily me and you, all that we have to do is follow,
just follow.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been,
oh and baby then,
you can let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I wanna be that man, if you let me.
Come on baby let me.

Baby leave those candles burning,
slide on over here to me.
If you run with me girl, you know we'll make this world stop turning,
just stop turning.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been,
oh and baby then,
you can let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I'd like to be that man, if you'd let me.
Ohhhhhh, ohhhhh.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been.

Yeah! Let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I wanna be that man, if you let me.
Sweet baby let me.

-Pat Green

My Guilty Pleasure

So, from the begining of her career Jessica Simpson has always been a secret favorite of mine. Her music comes up in my mixed CDs and I have every album she has ever put out. I know that people mocked her as apop singer because, lets face it she wasn't really a popstar. Her songs just aren't beat driven enough and her lyrical content is a bit to mushy. So, I can't tell you how excited I was when I heard she was releasing a country album. Then I heard the first single on the radio and was blown away that she sounded so good. Naturally I had to buy the album yesterday when it came out. I promtly downloaded it from itunes when I got to work yesterday and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. It is so good. I love nearly all the songs even if they aren't all happy. I posted You're My Sunday on the right side for you to take a listen. I'm so happy that she delivered in my opinion the best album she has ever. Okay..off to actually get some work done today.

smiling faces

it's good to be back at school
it's good to have people to be back at school with
I'm excited to see where we go this year

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures

looking down Lookout Mountain on the Incline

his face makes me think of "secret agent man"

and we are in a cave wearing sunglasses, how silly!

on the Incline

Some things never change

The good picture

My nephew, Jackson, who is now a big brother