How to be Happy

Sometimes I'm amazed at how easy it is to be happy.
I don't have to struggle with it, I just think of all the wonderful things in my life.
Maybe it's easier now that the people that I work with are so happy, so I don't feel like I'm rubbing my happiness in their faces.
Maybe I'm just floating along in a cloud of imaginary, fairy tale life and the grey cloud of rain that is real life is coming one day.
At any rate, I don't really care because,
for now, today until I don't know when,
I'm really happy.

A New Favorite

Rascal Flatts

Here

There's a place I've been lookin' for

That took me in and out of buildings

Behind windows, walls, and doors

And I thought I found it

Couple times, even settled down

And I'd hang around just long enough

To find my way back out

I know now the place that I was trying to reach

Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holding

What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads I had to take

To get me in your arms this way

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to - here

And if thats the road

God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing

I'd walk right back through the rain

Back to every broken heart

On the day that it was breakin'

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here

And I'd relive all the years

And be thankful for the tears

I've cried with every stumbled step

That led to you and got me here, right here

Oh, baby - Ooo

Oh, got me here

Scared...or just plain crazy

Sometimes things in my mind get really out of control. If you know me, you know this means being either really grumpy and vocal about it or really closed off and quite about it. Neither of those options is particularly good for anyone but that's just how it is.

Lately, I feel really overwhelmed. Things are at a really good place right now. I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. Nearly everything is perfect. The job is good, great really. I'm healthy, I'm loved, everyone I know is doing okay. So, why am I overwhelmed...

I finally got the courage to send in my application for grad school. They sent me back a few emails and I am officially in their system and that's pretty darn cool. I've been having terrible mixed feelings about this whole thing. In Feb. I was bored, and mad and tired of being talked to like I was dirt on the floor by certain people. School seemed like an AWESOME idea. Then...things got really good here. I pulled out of the funk that I was in and the proverbial sun came out.

Now, I think back to how hard it was to move away from my family the first time. I just talked my sister through this mess in August. I don't want to admit that I'm not strong enough to do it again so I keep hoping that as it comes closer I feel better about it. I promised myself that I would do everything I can to make it to grad school. But, if I wasn't excited when I started to hear back that it wasn't the right place for me. I can't tell you how excited I was when I opened my email and had received the info back from LSU. I guess for now we'll go with it's still what I want to do.

Things are changing here...FAST. Some cool things are happening at work. Going to school now is a good thing, probably the best thing that I can do for myself. Hopefully...maybe...crossing my fingers I'll be able to come back here.

I find this whole circle of events funny. I wanted so badly to leave after high school. It was hard but I made it and made lifelong friendships in the process. Then, I wanted so badly not to come back. Now I'm back and even though I'll have to leave for a bit I'm sort of excited at the prospect of being able to come back.

So much going on, so much to think about. I'm glad that I've been given the gift of being able to multi-task.

Pamela Joyce

Re:Birthday Photos

Me and B-day Cake

aparently cutting cake takes major consentration

"Are you really sure that you want all of that?"

My dad's face here is priceless!

Yay, pictures of cake!! Hope everyone has a delightful weekend!

Pamela

complain, complain, complain

America is like Walmart. Low price, cheap goods. I'm so sick and tired of hearing people complain about their country. Really, do you realize what you have. Do you realize that you choose for it to be this way. Sure you might not have signed up for an 800 billion dollar bail out. But, you elected the people who did.
This morning on the radio some the show was having a call in about the problems and issues facing Americans. Most people have had it up to their noses with this financial crisis which I can very much understand, I'm in the same boat. Other people though are so stupid! They complain about our education system not being competitive in the global market and how we have the lowest quality of life for developed countries. Really! How great of you to notice. So what are you going to do about it?
Nobody want to face the answer that seems so obvious.
You want better education. You want better health care. You want better public services. You want the road to be drivable and not full of holes. You want the environment to be protected. Those are all fine things to want. They are also things that cost lots of money. Money that the government just doesn't have. You want it to get better? Start calling your representatives in favor of actions that raise your taxes a little and thus raise the money for these projects.
When you look at other countries and what they pay to live there you'll see. We are the Walmart of the world. You get what you pay for. If you want something better then do something about. Call people that can make the change, not your local radio station. And, if you aren't wiling to sacrifice to make it better than quit your bitchin'.

An update?

I dpn't know what I want to say. Surely there is something wtty or pleasant floating around in the depths of my mind that I could put here. Instead, I keep sitting here staring at the blank screen willing it to fill with the meaingful events of the past few weeks. Maybe bullet points would be better.

* The musical went really well. The laundry is still upstairs. We should really call in the student workers to get some of that done and put away.

* The 16th came and went. I treated myself to dinner out that night. Found out that something are never going to change. I am so glad that Katy messaged me, even though it flooded me with anger to know that he is still doing nothing!

* Amanda's bachelorette party was awesome. There are great pics floating around and I'm going to do my best to round them up and make a nice little gift for her. By the way, nearly all of the pictures are not going to be posted here.

* This week I made a new dress for my birthday. I'll probably post some of the pictures on the craft blog. I haven't updated there in ages.

* Sunday is my birthday. I'm having a small get together. It's going to be really fun I think.

*Tonight I'm going on a date. It'll be nice to be spoiled on a Friday night. These outings don't happen to often when I don't go to Orlando for the weekend so it's nice to have a special treat.

I think that about wraps it up for me. Hope everyone is doing well.

Stronger

Tomorrow I will be the stronger person. I'll get out of bed. I'll hold my head up high and I will be stronger. I'm not sure how I'll feel but I know it will be kind of weird. I'm so happy now, and I wouldn't change any of this except to say that I wish that I had done it earlier and even then it worked out just fine the way it happened. Tomorrow...

On another note....eeeek I'm so excited for this weekend!!!!!

Why My Mind Wanders

I'm not sure why my mind goes here but I wonder sometimes. I wonder why you did the things that you did. I wonder how I let my guard down so far that I couldn't see you for who you were. More than that I wonder how we got to where we were and why I never saw the warning signs. I wanted so badly to believe that everything was going to be okay. I knew in my heart that you could never be the person that I needed you to be. I knew that you were never going to get past the end of your own nose. So, tell me then why I still think of you. Why, when things are going so well for me right now do you creep back into my heart and burn my eyes with those tears? I don't ask about you. It had been months since you had crossed my mind. Then suddenly, everywhere I turned you were there. I heard stories about you from several people. I had memories that I never wanted to remember drudged from the depths of my memory. Why do people think that it's okay to do that? Why do they think that I care? Why do I care? Why? Now I am just a week from our anniversary and I want so badly to just skip the day. You'll be 24 this year and still living like a rebellious 14 year old. I don't know if you read this, a couple of people from G-Town stop by every once and awhile and you may just be one of them.

Here are some things that you might like to know:
I'm happy. Really happy.
I took the GRE and I'm working on going back to school
I'm okay. I realize now that you brought out the worst possible person in me and that you could never meet my needs.
I've found someone really awesome.
We fit like long lost puzzle pieces.
He takes very good care of me.
He brings out the best in me.
Riley is well. He's so smart now.

This will not become a survey blog

1. When you were fourteen, who was your favorite band?
Probably something really geeky, I really don't know though
2. Do you repeat yourself often and not realize it?
Most likely, I vocalize my thoughts a lot and I know that I think the same things often
3. Are you afraid of becoming middle-aged?
Not really
4. What are seven things you couldn't live without?
Family, friends, books, music, learning, a creative outlet, words
5. What if the furthest you've traveled?
Somewhere in Europe but, I'm not working out the mileage
6. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
If I think about it really hard
7. Have you ever worked with acid during a science experiment?
Yes
8. Have you ever seen or do you ever want to see an opera? If so, which one?
I think I've seen one, but I don't really remember
9. Do you know a woman named Wanda?
No. Should I?
10. What is your favorite thing to do for fun on the weekends?
I live for Sunday's with Matthew and anything I do with him is always fun
11. Do you ever listen to songs and music in different languages?
It depends on my mood
12. Have you ever tried drugs? If so, which ones?
Sure, but then that's really none of your business is it
13. Do you like the sun or the clouds better?
I like them together, nice puffy white clouds in a bright blue sky with the sun peaking out, I'm such a 5 year old crayon drawing
14. Do you think love at first sight is really lust at first sight?
Most likely
15. What is a material possession you would have difficulty giving up?
My collection of wardrobe things, shoes, clothes, purses all of that
16. What do you really want to do right now?
Hug my boyfriend, that's so simple but he's so far away and it's only going to get worse
17. Would you rather make love or have sex?
make love
18. Name something that is full of nothing.
What?
19. What is your favorite memory from your childhood?
I have so many, I could never just pick one
20. Would you rather have knowledge or wisdom? Or do you think the two go hand-in-hand?
I think they go hand in hand and would love to have both
21. What is your favorite thing to do when you're alone?
Read...read read read
22. Have you ever donated cans to a charity for the poor?
Yes
23. At what age is the best for you to have a baby?
So far the five year plan just barely includes starting to try to have children...but then that also implies a lot of other things...wow that shows how much of a planner I am
24. When you bring a friend to hang out with one of your other friends who they don't know, do you sometimes forget to introduce them?
Sadly yes
25. Did you think the remake of the Amityville horror was better, just as good, or worse than the original?
I've never seen either
26. Do you know a guy with a name that typically is used for a girl?
Not that I know of
27. Are you religious? Do you believe in prayer?
I don't think I fit the "religious" mold but I do believe in prayer.
28. Do you have a guardian angel? If so, who is it?
My Dad's dad, but he's busy now and I haven't seen him in awhile
29. What is one thing that angers you the most when it comes to relationships?
My being so spoiled...really it drives me to the point of madness because then I expect it and that just isn't fair
30. How often do you go to the bathroom each day?
Enough
31. What three places in the world do you want to travel to?
England, Australia, Germany
32. Do you wear hats? If so, what sort of hats do you wear?
I have the worst hat head ever
33. Are you feeling any pressure right now? If so, from what?
Yes, from myself about school and if it's going to work out
34. Do you enjoy the rain?
Usually, as long as it isn't scary
35. Is there a threat of tropical disasters (hurricanes, monsoons, etc.) where you live?
Yes, how terrifying and even more so when you aren't home and have no idea what is going on at your house and you can't call anyone because no one knows and yeah...I was a nervous wreck
36. Have you ever run into a door?
Just today on my way through the dressing room today
37. What do you think of teased hair?
Why!!!!!!
38. If you had the chance to skydive, would you?
Depends on a long list of things
39. When it comes to bands, do you find the singer more attractive or the guitarist?
Instrument makes no difference
40. Do you like classic cars?
Pretty
41. What is the first thing you think when you see a person wearing a leather jacket?
Well first off does it fit, then what does it look like because that makes the difference between hot and ewww
42. Do you find dreadlocks sexy or disgusting?
disgusting
43. If you had the power to freeze time, what would you do with that power?
mmmmm...I could think of so much
44. What is your life motto?
I plan, I don't have a motto
45. What color are your toenails painted?
Orange, in the spirit of fall and my most favorite holiday
46. Do you listen to orchestra tributes to your favorite band?
ummm, no
47. When was the last time you cried? What was the reason? Did you feel ridiculous for crying afterwards?
Not to long ago, I'm sure it was about having to leave and no I did not feel ridiculous
48. Would you consider yourself more of a leader or a follower?
Depends on the group
49. Do you find it annoying when someone is too sarcastic?
I am best friends with the president of the sarcasm society of the world, I only find it annoying when people take the sarcastic thing seriously
50. What do you do to cure your headaches?
Take some non-aspirin, un-coated pain reliever and drink loads of water
51. Have you ever thought of running away?
No, not really
52. Do you own diamond jewelry? Yes, but I have no earthly idea what to do with it because it meant something once and now I just have it and I don't want to wear it in any form really but I don't want to sell it either because then whatever I buy will be tainted by the memory so for now it sits in the safety deposit box
53. Have you ever dated the same person more than once? Did you regret it afterwards?
Yes, when I was in high school and that never ended well
54. Have you ever ridden a horse?
Yes
55. Has anyone ever called you a "bitch." Was it deserved?
Yes and probably sometimes deserved and sometimes not
56. Were you scared the first time you drove?
Terrified
57. Do you eat your apples with the skin still on or do you peel it off?
I do my best to not eat apples unless they are in pie
58. Name five of your obsessions:
Books, Music, Handbags (made or bought), Clothes, Shoes
59. Have you ever shot a gun?
Yes
60. Do you like rap/hip-hop music? If so, do you like the beats or the lyrics better?
Not really
61. What is a lie you've told that made you feel bad after telling it?
Why would I call myself out?
62. Have you ever watched the sun rise?
Yes
63. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a pool?
I'll only really swim where I can see the bottom
64. When did you learn how to ride a bike? Who taught you?
I was young like 5 or six and I wasn't allowed to go off the street that we lived on, my Daddy of course
65. Do you believe in aliens?
No
66. Do you know a homophobe? Are you friends with them?
A few, I think I might be friends with one and that scares me a little bit
67. Do you think polygamy should be legal?
Not after reading The 19th Wife, even if it was fiction I could imagine that it could be worse than that
68. When you wake up, do you hear birds chirping?
Not usually
69. Have you ever seen an animal eat another animal? On TV or in real life?
In real life
70. Have you ever uttered the phrase, "Bitch, please?" Why'd you say it?
I don't really know for sure, If I did I was probably being funny in the moment
71. Are you bitter about anything?
I try not to be but sometimes it creeps up before I can catch it
72. What do you think of brown belts with black shoes?
People come on just buy two belts already!!!!
73. What is the craziest hairstyle or haircut you have ever seen?
I've seen some pretty bad ones, we'll leave it at that
74. Have you ever got a blister? If so, where did you get it from?
I have had them in lots of places for ex. on my hand from bowling or that one time I tried to steam my skin off with the deep fryer and on my feet from shoes of course
75. What color blush do you wear?
A pretty pink one, when I' in the mood for blush
76. Do you believe every person was put on this earth for a pre-destined reason or do you believe that you create your destiny through your actions?
I think that pre-destination is a factor but I also think the path you choose has a lot to do with how things turn out for you and that in the end your choices define who you become
77. Is there a person who used to make you happy that you can no longer stand? If so, who is it?
Yes, Benjamin
78. Would you find deep-sea fishing exciting?
Probably not
79. Do you think men are complicated or simple?
I think that everyone is complicated, I think that men are easier to read based on my experiences
80. Would you rather date a bad boy or a nice boy? Why?
A nice boy, because a bad boy would get on my nerves
81. Have you ever had a nervous breakdown?
Not like a seek medical attention breakdown but I have had days where nothing went right and I ended up screaming and crying and sobbing and having a panic attack and all that fun stuff
82. Have you ever stepped on glass? Did you need stitches?
yes, no

A survery of sorts

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people right now
1. I wish you could know how affraid I am, I know that you would calm my fears but I just wish you could understand my fear
2. I am so proud of everything that you have done, I miss you but I don't want you to come home becuase this is good for you
3. I wish that I lived closer to you and I'm sorry that you are going through all that CRAP
4. If you are happy, truely happy, then I'm happy for you and I'm glad that somehow things turned around for you two
5. I know that you are hurting, I wish I was there to cuddle you and cry with you
6. Thank you for everything that you have given me, I am who I am today becuase of you
7. I wish that you would wise up, you are so much smarter than this life that you are leading
8. You have five years before you get grandkids...I wish you would shape up so that you'll be here for them
9. I'm going to miss you and the antics of this place, I can't thank yo enough for everything that you have taught me
10. You are a prick who has done nothing but take advantage of the people who love you and I hope one day you'll realize what you have done and change who you are.

Nine things about myself
1. I love a boy that loves ME back for the first time ever
2. I have a puppy that is the center of my world for now
3. I can debate almost anything, even if I don't believe in the cause
4. I have made more bad decisions than I care to admit to but, I am stronger for being allowed to fall flat on my face
5. I love clothes and fashion and color but, I almost never buy anything in the heart of the season
6. I'm slow at math but secretly love how it works
7. I am loaning 5 formal dresses that have never been worn right out of my closet and you know what there are at least 10 more where those came from
8. I love to shop, especially for other people and watch them in wonder as they discover that you don't have to wear the same old things to feel comfortable
9. I have a stack of books that I want to read so badly that I am tempted to start them all at the same time.

Eight ways to win my heart
1. Be honest
2. Have a plan for the direction of your life
3. Be the cuddley, holding hand type of person
4. Feed me
5. Talk to me about things I don't know about in a way that I will understand but won't make me feel like you are trying to explain astrophysics to a five year old
6. Have convictions/strong opinons about things that matter to you
7. Take care of yourself and smell yummy
8. Get along with my friends and family becuase they are an extention of me

Seven things that cross my mind a lot
1. My five year plan
2. Grad school and affording it
3. What's for dinner/lunch?
4. How many hours until I get to see him again
5. What are we doing at work today?
6. Can I make a list for that
7. How everyone that I know is doing

Six things that I do before I fall asleep
1. Put on my PJs
2. Brush my teeth
3. Double check all the locks on the doors
4. Fold the blanket down at the foot of my bed
5. Set the alarm
6. Call Matthew to say goodnight if we aren't already on the phone

Five people who mean a lot to me
1. My Mom and Daddy
2. Penny
3. Matthew
4. Amanda, Jen, Jen, Katy, Lizzy
5. Lynnsey

Four things I'm wearing right now
1. Blue Jeans
2. Pink Polo
3. Cirque zip hoodie
4. Sneakers

Three songs/artists that I listen to often
1. Jessica Simpson, Do you Know and Your My Sunday
2. Keith Urban
3. Anything on the radio

Two things that I want to do before I die
1. Have and raise children
2. Travel to the rest of the world

One confession
I will always hate to be wrong, but I'll always say I'm sorry.

Yesterday Morning

I have thought long and hard about what lies below this paragraph. I don't know if anyone of consequence to this situation actually reads this blog. At this point I don't care. Maybe, this isn't the right thing to do. It's the only option that I feel like I have.

My answer yesterday was a cop out. I wanted so badly to scream in rage out at you. I have never felt so protective of someone I know so little about. You are her sister. She is YOUR SISTER!!!!!! How could you say those things. How could you air her laundry for the world to see without her there to defend herself? How could you tell all of that without the history? How could you not take partial responsibility for her feeling so isolated in her own home that she doesn't want to come home? I will never understand what you did. EVER! I know that you don't agree with what is going on. I know that in your eyes and the eyes of your family she is making a huge mistake. I know that you think you know best. Then I must ask what kind of example have you lead?
I hate more than anything when parents say that adult older children are the example for younger adult children. By the time you are an adult you should be making your own choices free and clear from the shadow of your siblings. But still I know that your family believes in this sort of thing so I must say what example have you set. You were in a volatile, to but it nicely, relationship with a person that you claim to have loved but can't stop pulling through the mud at every opportunity. Is that what you want for your sister? Really?
You had no business talking about your sister like this. As if you have been nothing but a support system to her and truly can't understand her desire to not be looked down upon. People talk, we all know that your relationship isn't exactly supportive.
So, I stand by my answer of not knowing the ins and outs. I know that I am missing pieces. I also know that as her sister, you should never go behind her back and call her out in that manner. A family is supposed to be a source of love and companionship, not a source of strife where everyone but the person who you are miffed at knows the source of aggravation. If you want it to get better you have to work at it. And you have to work at it fairly.
You should feel lucky that everyone doesn't know every failure that you have had in your faith. I can't believe you. I just can't believe that behavior.

Let Me

Keep your head there on my shoulder.
Let's just lay here for awhile.
We can hurry when were older.
Girl don't worry about tomorrow.
That just seems so far away.
Luckily me and you, all that we have to do is follow,
just follow.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been,
oh and baby then,
you can let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I wanna be that man, if you let me.
Come on baby let me.

Baby leave those candles burning,
slide on over here to me.
If you run with me girl, you know we'll make this world stop turning,
just stop turning.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been,
oh and baby then,
you can let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I'd like to be that man, if you'd let me.
Ohhhhhh, ohhhhh.

Let me be the one who sets your feet up on a road where you've never been.

Yeah! Let me take these arms and wrap you up inside a night that will never end.
I wanna be that man, if you let me.
Sweet baby let me.

-Pat Green

My Guilty Pleasure

So, from the begining of her career Jessica Simpson has always been a secret favorite of mine. Her music comes up in my mixed CDs and I have every album she has ever put out. I know that people mocked her as apop singer because, lets face it she wasn't really a popstar. Her songs just aren't beat driven enough and her lyrical content is a bit to mushy. So, I can't tell you how excited I was when I heard she was releasing a country album. Then I heard the first single on the radio and was blown away that she sounded so good. Naturally I had to buy the album yesterday when it came out. I promtly downloaded it from itunes when I got to work yesterday and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. It is so good. I love nearly all the songs even if they aren't all happy. I posted You're My Sunday on the right side for you to take a listen. I'm so happy that she delivered in my opinion the best album she has ever. Okay..off to actually get some work done today.

smiling faces

it's good to be back at school
it's good to have people to be back at school with
I'm excited to see where we go this year

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures

looking down Lookout Mountain on the Incline

his face makes me think of "secret agent man"

and we are in a cave wearing sunglasses, how silly!

on the Incline

Some things never change

The good picture

My nephew, Jackson, who is now a big brother

i can't say it out loud

why do I feel so broken. why is it that I want so badly to just sit here in this space and cry. when it comes down to it, that dream was telling but what if staying is more of a nightmare. it's never just a dream to me, I found that out in fourth grade. it might take time but somehow those dreams that seem so real only take time before they somehow work into my real life. really, I don't know what to do and I need your help. please

how true it is

We become what we think about all day long.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The reward is great...

I have never felt more rewarded for my very small effort than I do today. I'm not sure I can describe what exactly has happened. It's possibly one of the best feelings in the entire world. There is something about this feeling that is just awesome and it's better that i didn't even have to go out of my way. I love the smile that's on my face and the lightness in my soul.

It's raining outside. I wish that I was outside in my play clothes running around in the rain. There is something so cleansing about standing in the rain with your head turned up at the sky. It's cliche I know, but I miss the carefree days of summer mid day rain.

I'm so excited because today is my last day of work this week. I'm going home tomorrow to see my friends and Mama Mia! I'm so excited.

Lastly, Penny is all grown up, or so it seems. She's off to her college orientation this weekend in Alabama. I can't believe that she's a junior in college. Where did the time go!

Now that you have been subjected to the randomness of my brain, I think I'm going to go work on my quilt for a bit. Until the next time...tootles

Beautiful

To the right and down below my about me you will find a new favorite song. I couldn't just post the lyrics because well, there aren't very many and it would look stupid. It's not just the lyrics anyway it's the whole song. Hopefully it plays on auto play, if not just press play. It's a live version so the spoken part in the middle isn't really part of the song but, it gives it a certain something that I didn't really mind.

P.S. I love you

P.P. S. the whole it's/ its thing still confuses me and I have no idea when or how to use it. I can't really believe that I just admitted that, now I'll have to find out the answer and post a blog just to educate all the confused people like me.

enough of that, enjoy the song.

EDIT-
Thank you Katy! What would I do without your elementary explanation. By the way, my favorite part of the song was replaced by the spoken part...how sad :(

the silence of aggravation

Its quite now, I can hear the building creaking and the last drops of water dripping from the roof. Its odd how much a person can think about when there isn't any noise to block out the heart. The list is coming along, it seems like there really isn't enough to do but, then it seems like I can always find fault with the way it feels here. Something is always out of place and there is always something to do. My mind wanders to the wonderful things that have been happening in my life. Also the not so wonderful things. There has been drama, and I am concerned. I haven't thought of a way to get through it, in fact I really think there isn't one. Only to be strong against those who have hate and jealousy in there hearts and minds. Also, I am concerned because my bestie has gone MIA and I can't seem to get back to her. Maybe Mama Mia will bring us back together again. Hopefully! Wandering, wandering, wondering mind I feel all over the place these days, but then the only focus I have at work is ticking off the list and the days until there is someone else to talk to. If ever you wanted to torture a person, give them a list and a space devoid of any communication. I don't remember it being so bad last year, but then it's probably one of those things that I've just erased from my brain. Onward...to clean shop and one more thing checked off the list!

doors, doors, doors

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

-Flora Whittemore

To often in my life I have heard metaphors about doors. You know the ones about closed doors and open windows or rather another opened door. I never cared much for them because they don't offer an opportunity for you to take responsibility for why the door closed. I love this quote because it gives ownership of the action. I have allowed doors to close that maybe, I should have kept open. I have allowed myself to stand screaming at a closed door. I have learned from those mistakes. For once I feel like I opened the right door, at just the right moment. Even though things are less stable than I would like at the moment everything is just fine. Now, I only have to decide which door is next. At least Maxwell Smart only has to walk down the hallway, there isn't any choice in which door is next.

Love You With All My Heart

I can feel you watchin', I can feel your eyes on me

I can hear you whisper and I just get so weak

But I'm a little bit scared, it's been a long time

Since I let my guard down and let someone inside

You don't need to wonder, 'cause tonight you'll get it all

When the night closes in, I'm gonna pull you so close

Hold you so tight, gonna let it all go

And you can do what you want, you can take me right here

'Cause I knew from the start I was gonna love you with all my heart

You take my hand now, and I'm ready to begin

Though it makes me crazy when your fingers touch my skin

And I know what you want and you know what I need

There's no reason to pretend that we don't know what this means

When the night closes in, I'm gonna pull you so close

Hold you so tight, gonna let it all go

And you can do what you want, you can take me right here

'Cause I knew from the start I was gonna love you with all my heart

I'm gonna rock you, baby

And take away your maybe

And you can rest here in these open arms

When the night closes in, I'm gonna pull you so close

Hold you so tight, gonna let it all go

And you can do what you want, you can take me right here

'Cause I knew from the start I was gonna love you with all my heart

I was gonna love you with all my heart

I was gonna love you with all my heart

I can feel you watchin', I can feel your eyes on me

Sara Evans

Love

as defined by urbandictioanry.com

The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.


Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.


This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.


It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.


Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.


One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles

To much to think about...

Today is a weird kind of day. Everything is really calm. The shop is cleaned up and I'm just hanging out at work waiting for the Tiffany to get here to do laundry. This kind of calm inspires me to think about the awesomeness of everything that I have. So often I am prone to taking my life for granted or complaining about how hard it is but, it's days like these that I am thankful for everything. Things are pretty easy for me and I am more than grateful for that.

Tonight, Matthew is coming to see the show. I'm excited about that. Tomorrow will be two months of really awesome times with him. That sounds so middle school but it's so true. He inspires me to keep moving forward and I'm glad that I have his hand to hold through the scary stuff.

Coming up next week is the Second Annual Slip N' Slide Fun Party. Perhaps pictures will be in order!

change

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

-Victor Frankl

So many times I have struggled with change, thrown myself into and pulled back at the last second but nothing rings more true than the way I have grown through change.

Wonder...

wonder, wonder, wonder...what's in a wonder ball!

So, today has been a strange day and I'm not sure that tomorrow is going to get much better. Lots of smaller things to finish up tomorrow and then the show opens. I can't wait to be rid of the stress, but I'm proud of myself for still managing to get home every day this week and not breaking out with stress eczema between my fingers or a nasty cold sore, although as soon as I write that both will afflict me I'm sure!

I'm headed home to play with my puppy, becuase I feel like he's been neglected over the last week.

Yay...46 Hours and counting!!!!! I miss you

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-ee cummings

I Like You

I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

I like you and I know why.
I like you because you are a good person to like.
I like you because when I tell you something special,
you know it's special
And you remember it a long, long time.
You say, Remember when you told me something special
And both of us remember

When I think something is important
you think it's important too
We have good ideas
When I say something funny, you laugh
I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too
Hah-hah!
I like you because you know where I'm ticklish
And you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too
You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you
I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Too late, it's a quarter past silly
Sometimes we don't say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places
If I am a goofus on the roofus hollering my head off
You are one too
If I pretend I am drowning, you pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,
then you are getting ready to jump
HOORAY

That's because you really like me
You really like me, don't you
And I really like you back
And you like me back and I like you back
And that's the way we keep on going every day

If you go away, then I go away too
or if I stay home, you send me a postcard
You don't just say Well see you around sometime, bye
I like you a lot because of that
If I go away, I send you a postcard too
And I like you because if we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for me

And I like you because when I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away
Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes time

I like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me too
It's awful when the other person isn't
They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could just about punch them in the nose

I like you because if I think I am going to throw up
then you are really sorry
You don't just pretend you are busy looking at the birdies and all that
You say, maybe it was something you ate
You say, the same thing happened to me one time
And the same thing did

If you find two four-leaf clovers, you give me one
If I find four, I give you two
If we only find three, we keep on looking
Sometimes we have good luck, and sometimes we don't

If I break my arm, and if you break your arm too
Then it's fun to have a broken arm
I tell you about mine, you tell me about yours
We are both sorry
We write our names and draw pictures
We show everybody and they wish they had a broken arm too

I like you because I don't know why but
Everything that happens is nicer with you
I can't remember when I didn't like you
It must have been lonesome then

I like you because because because
I forget why I like you but I do
So many reasons
On the 4th of July I like you because it's the 4th of July
On the fifth of July, I like you too
If you and I had some drums and some horns and some horses
If we had some hats and some flags and some fire engines
We could be a HOLIDAY
We could be a CELEBRATION
We could be a WHOLE PARADE
See what I mean?

Even if it was the 999th of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
Even if it was no place particular in January
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again
That's how it would happen every time
I don't know why
I guess I don't know why I really like you
Why do I like you
I guess I just like you
I guess I just like you because I like you.

Monday

In a perfect world you would be there when I get home tonight. I know that it's not going to happen. After all the world isn't perfect. And let's not even mention the fact that what I want and what needs to happen are like four different things.

Off to work on the show...becuase we need to get done to relieve the stress for the rest of the week!

missing parts

parts of me seem to be missing
it's really hard to focus
I'm so easily distracted
do you know how hard that makes it
just doing regular things takes forever
sometimes,
I wonder what exactly is missing
and how I put it back
so that I can get through the days

Memories!

I'm gonna be here for you baby

I'll be a man of my word

Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard

I wanna sleep with you forever

And I wanna die in your arms

In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you

And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother

I wanna learn from your pa

I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw

I wanna stand out in a crowd for you

A man among men

I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you

And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow

Wherever the four winds blow

And there'll be a new day

Comin' your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on

This you know somehow

You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now

And I'm gonna make you a promise

If there's life after this

I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you

And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you

And I'll win your trust making memories of us

This is one of my favorite Keith Urban songs. Maybe because there have been so many memories in the past few weeks, but I can't stop listening to this song. The words of this song make me smile.

butterfly

Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued,

is always beyond our grasp,

but, if you will sit down quietly,

may alight upon you.

— Nathaniel Hawthorne

p.s. these photos belong to a woman whos blog that I have read for a long time and I am in no way trying to pretend that they are mine.

packing

I love to travel, it's so exciting. However, I DO NOT love to pack. So, I've got my to do list and my packing list and my list of things to make sure I don't forget and the list of things for the dog that he needs to stay with my parents. Because I love a good list this is the easy part. Tonight starts the work of actually doing the things on the to do list and getting the stuff together to be packed and putting a bag together for Riley. ARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! I hate to pack, hate, hate, hate to pack. Okay, so I have nothing better to do tonight and it will keep me busy and then first part of my vacation is 4 days with Matthew so I guess that's not so bad. Alright...off to finish my day at work (eek, must get finished patterning today!) and then head home to pack!

...

the things that I want have never been more or less clear. i'm not sure exactly how that is possible but it is true. try talking with someone about what we talk about, they think i'm nuts and sane all at the same time. i feel like a yo-yo that can't decide. bliss, on my mind and in my heart spreads across my face when you cross my thoughts. 100 miles a minute and i still can't keep up. like a paint swirl that just keeps going, getting more mixed up with every second. think less, let it go but that's hard for me and i don't want that to show.

You Can Let Go Now

Wind blowin' on my face

Sidewalk flyin' beneath my bike

A five year-old's first taste

Of what freedom's really like

He was runnin' right beside me

His hand holdin' on the seat

I took a deep breath and hollered

As I headed for the street

You can let go now, Daddy

You can let go

Oh, I think I'm ready

To do this on my own

It's still a little bit scary

But I want you to know

I'll be okay now, Daddy

You can let go

I was standin' at the altar

Between the two loves of my life

To one I've been a daughter

To one I soon would be a wife

When the preacher asked,

'Who gives this woman?'

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears

He kept holdin' tightly to my arm

'Til I whispered in his ear

You can let go now, Daddy

You can let go

Oh, I think I'm ready to do this on my own

It still feels a little bit scary

But I want you to know

I'll be okay now, Daddy

You can let go

It was killin' me to see

The strongest man I ever knew

Wastin' away to nothin'

In that hospital room

'You know he's only hangin' on for you'

That's what the night nurse said

My voice and heart were breakin'

As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy

You can let go

Your little girl is ready

To do this on my own

It's gonna be a little bit scary

But I want you to know

I'll be okay now, Daddy

You can let go

You can let go

Crystal Shawanda

I don't think I know anymore

Maybe, just this once I'll admit that life scares me sometimes. Not enough to hide from it, just enough for me to have a healthy fear of what I don't know. I looked because I was curious and wanted to know. The two programs sound similar but they use big words that I don't understand. If I had to guess you'll probably stay here which, I think might be better. After all, you worked all this out ahead of time and I trust that you found the best fit for you. The way you talk to me, amazes me on a daily basis. I don't feel freaked out and confused or that you'll poke fun at me. Now, for some research of my own. Where should I look? Where should I not look? Who has those answers?

to plan

Some people are cut out to fly by the seat of their pants. They just drift along and take what comes to them. They are a unique lot because they can adapt very quickly, always managing to make the best of their circumstance if they are are going to be happy. Of course, there are those who float along but aren't really cut out for this type of life. These are people who take no responsibility in their lives and are perpetually blaming their strife and hardship on everyone around them. They never find true happiness and they will never understand why. I am neither of these kinds of people. I am the kind of person who needs a plan. I need direction in my life and I can never stand still for very long. The thing is though that I feel like I am bit of a mixture of sorts. I love to have a plan and a map but I am eager to detour and find what is off the beaten path. I feel a little bit like I'm talking in a circle here. The fact is, in Feb. I rewrote my 5 year plan to actually be six years and I would end with my PhD. Now, I'm not sure exactly how to work it all out again. Because gallivanting off to LA for the next 5 years is looking more and more like a plan I'm not ready to follow through on. Yes, I'm ready to go back to get my masters, yes I want to go up to LSU, yes I'm eager to sink my soul into learning again. I just don't know if I'm ready to go for five years. There is so much going on in my brain today. All I have left to do is chat it all out and see where the cards lay.

daydream

sometimes i wonder what my life looks like from an outside perspective. i feel busy but when i look at the big picture i'm really doing a lot less these days. i'm excited about the future and the cool things that are setting up right now, but i wonder if someone on the outside of my life would just see history repeating. is it really different this time, or did i just make that up?

yet to be determined

Poised to write a story
Full of faith and trust
Make believe and pixie dust
Ready to jump head first
Into unknown depths
Hold my hand and make it true
Breathe with me and jump on through
A dream to good to miss
Has happened right before me
New and exciting
The chance to start fresh
To have the ending
I thought I could only read

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

I know that the bridges that I’ve burned

Along the way

Have left me with these walls and these scars

That won’t go away

And opening up has always been the hardest thing

Until you came

So lay here beside me just hold me and don’t let go

This feelin’ I’m feelin’ is somethin’ I’ve never known

And I just can’t take my eyes off you

And I just can’t take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I’m pretty

When I just wake up

And I love how you tease me when I’m moody

But it’s never too much

I’m falling fast but the truth is I’m not scared at all

You climbed my walls

So lay here beside me just hold me and don’t let go

This feelin’ I’m feelin’ is somethin’ I’ve never known

And I just can’t take my eyes off you

And I just can’t take my eyes off you

Off you

Off you

So lay here beside me just hold me and don’t let go

This feelin’ I’m feelin’ is somethin’ I’ve never known

And I just can’t take my eyes off you

And I just can’t take my eyes off you

Lady Antebellum

Runaway Bride

So, I was watching Runaway Bride last night and I couldn't help but see that there are definite similarities. Well, for the exception that I don't ever make it to the wedding. Always giving my heart out and trying to be something that I'm not and well, that hasn't worked out very well at all.

Starting in February I made a fresh start. I promised to be just me, take it or leave it. Through my past I've learned that some people bring out the worst in you. I promised that if I started to see that happen I would change the situation. So far, I'm happier than I have been in ages because there aren't any knock down drag out fights.

Back to Runaway Bride to close out this entry.
my favorite quote from the whole movie:

Ike Graham: [on the perfect proposal] Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

Every time Richard Gere delivers this line I tear up a little bit.

yipeee

we could have met at anytime
we didn't
and I can't say how thankful I am for that

... <3

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too
I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shining too
Because oh because
I've fallen quite hard over you
If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while, I never knew
All of the while , all of the while
It was you

-landon pigg

in the morning light

last night, you put my heart at ease. the truth is, i worry that this is on a run away course for disaster. then, you confide your fear...even if it was only temporary, and i realize we share so many similar thoughts. it seems to me that every time these feelings are so different, so cliche to say i've never been here but so true. in you i put my trust, because i know that you won't abuse it. i'll let go of this fear and let it sink. when i'm with you i remember how to swim, so being in over my head just isn't the problem that i thought it might be. let it go where it will go, the promise for a new direction in my life hasn't failed me yet; i don't have the right to question it now.

ready or not

there are things that I'm not ready to tell

feelings I'm not ready to feel

my heart jumps when you cross my mind

you are the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me

I just don't want to trip

because I will fall

and the landing will hurt

I'm not prepared for what you do to me

this is surreal

like a fairytale

swept off my feet, as if my heart had wings

how often we blame the wrong party

but how do I trust that this won't hurt

like it has every other time

this is the door that's closed

that I'm not really ready to open

especially on day 48

but, where does it go from here

if I just keep holding on to this

-pamela joyce

The Way I Am

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
-Ingrid Michaelson

all i can do is smile

Suddenly life means so much

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow

And find out this promise is true

I will never have to go back to

The day before you

In your eyes I see forever

Makes me wish that my life never knew

The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you

Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you

If you're the reason for all that I've been through

Then I'm thankful for the day before you

I never knew that simple pleasures could be so enjoyable. Who knew that hours could pass so quickly? I had forgotten how to be this happy, how to just let everything else go and be in the moment. I have so enjoyed every moment with you.

love at first listen

so...I think I just fell head over heels in love with this song. I went out and found her on you tube and listened to some of her other music and she is so awesome.

Say it Again
Marie Digby


The thing about love
Is i never saw it coming
It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there’s a voice inside my heart that’s got me wondering
Is this true, i want to hear it one more time

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love
Say it again

Thing about you is you know just how to get me
You talk about us like there’s no end in sight
The thing about me is that i really want to let you
Open that door and walk into my life

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love

And it feels like it’s the first time
That anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain
And never in my whole life
Have I heard words as beautiful as when you say my name

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love
Say it again (x9)

When you tell me you’re in love…
Say it again

Ohhh...Ohhhhhh


P.S. It feels really good to be able to listen to sappy music again without wanting to choke something.

twitterpated

twitterpated

An enjoyable disorder characterized by feelings of excitement, anticipation, high hopes, recent memories of interludes, giddiness, and physical overstimulation which occur simultaneously when experiencing a new love. These feelings take over without warning, usually at odd times (such as at a check-out line), with or without the partner present, and make it difficult to concentrate on anything but romance. They interfere with work and safe driving, but should be experienced at least once in every person's lifetime.

*this definition care of urban dictionary.

When I lived with Liz we used to joke about this. Everytime I would get excited about anything she'd say "dont go gettin all twitterpated." So I'm so excited about this weekend that it made me think of those first days of spring when I was in school. You all know the ones. For me it was seeing everyone out and about. Students laying in the Ravine and reading or playing roudy games of frisbee or catch. The feeling of "twittwerpation" in the air, even if it was just feeling the lust that spring brings out in the best of young folks.

:)

There is something so simple in the love of a dog. He is there when I get home, ready to forgive me for being late. He can tell when I need to be loved, jumping up and giving me puppy hugs. I taught him how to do this and now when I say hug he'll jump up in my lap, put his paws on my shoulders and lay his head on my chest. Sometimes he'll lay like this for hours, just content to be there. He is protective, never letting anyone he doesn't know get to close. There something so comforting about having him there. I'll never be alone when he's there and that makes me smile.

Love

how do you define love.is it in the smell of clean laundry.is it deeper than that.i will tell you that it's in the sigh of my puppy.the exhiliration of opening my door to a clean house.the thrill of the knock at my door.never knowing what you are thinking.the look in the eyes of people as you defy there expectation.the glory of success.the joy that i share with my family.understanding me and the way to my heart.love is finding a friend that always remembers the things that are important.love is knowing what is important.

Taking Chances

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world, but

Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and I don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

I just want to start again,

And maybe you could show me how to try,

And maybe you could take me in,

Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,

But I always come back for more, yeah.

There’s nothing like love to pull you up,

When you’re laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,

Like lovers do.

Yeah walk with me, walk with me,

Like lovers do,

Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

Don’t know much about your life

And I don’t know much about your world.

to think

this is my place to think out loud...I just htought I would preface that before writing this stuff down.

I noticed today that you changed your profile status on myspace. I don't recall having a conversation with you about said status. More over I don't know how to tell you that I'm not ready. I don't even know you! Oh, and if your status has nothing to do with me...I am throughly confused. I am not about to go on a date with someone who is of your status if you aren't talking about me. So, this is vague and maybe there are no names and maybe you won't get it but if you do...please don't make you me tell you that I'm not your girlfriend and that I didn't plan on that sort of thing until I at least got to know you a little better. I like you, I do but I'm not ready for that sort of commitment. I want to not go there for awhile. I'm sorry if you feel like I lead you on in some way.

strange

it feels strange to talk to you
like I'm breaking all the rules
you'll never convince me
that you don't care
that you were worried about me
I think you were scared of your own
breaking and falling to pieces
but you gave up
and now you'll never know
what could have been
and yet...somehow
after all that we went through
not that it was tough
or even big stuff
it feels strange to talk to you

holy cow it's april

The world is moving to fast for me. The days blur into weeks that blur into months and before you can blink it's the first of April and I haven't even had time to breathe. Spring break was wonderful to say the least. I relaxed and had a good time and I cleaned my house and managed to make my office function rather than be a dumping ground for all the stuff in my life. I visited LSU and fell in love. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to afford to go. It's funny to think that I'm okay with completely uprooting my life again. I am happy here, I am settled and I like it but for some reason I crave more. I miss going to school. I miss that sort of interface. I am not complete sure how this whole situation is going to work out. I have met so many people in the past couple of months and have made new friends and now I have to be okay with just leaving that all behind. I suppose that if they are really my friends then it will all be okay. I'm looking forward to what life is throwing at me. Sometime you have to duck and sometimes you have to stand up and catch the ball. We'll see what happens.

smile, because the whole world is watching

hide your heart

hold on tight

dance with your arms wide open

sing, even if you are out of tune

play the game

hold your head up high

smile, because the whole world it waiting

for you to fail

Spring Break

The Crocodile

Pirates and Princess Party

3-14-08

Home for the holiday...well at least part of it. It feels good to take a break but I have a lot to do this week, including preparing for my school visit next week. So, my life is hectic at the moment but its the kind of hectic where I could lay around all day today and not feel bad about it. So much is going on, yet I still feel in control. I am so excited about going to visit LSU and that is going to make it much easier to get things together.

Monday is a day at Disney. I am so super excited!

A Stronger Woman

I guess you could say
I’m one of those girls
that's always been with one of those guys
you know the type
like right now
he sleeps while I write
but it’s better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
from loving a man who always makes it clear
I am not welcome here
just when he's hungry or frisky or needs something clean
you know what I mean
but not tonight
cause come the morning light
I’m gonna love myself
more than anyone else
believe in me
even if someone can’t see
a stronger woman in me
I’m gonna be my own best friend
stick with me till the end
won’t lose myself again
never, no
cause theres a stronger woman
a stronger woman in me
light bulbs buzz I get up
and head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairy tale fades to grey
I’ve lived on hope
like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings
well from now on I am gonna be
the kind of woman I want my daughter to be
I’m gonna love myself
more than anyone else
believe in me
even if someone can’t see
a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
stick with me till the end
won’t lose myself again
never, no
cause there’s a stronger woman, a stronger woman
this is me packing up my bags
this is me headed for the door
this is me the best you ever had
I’m gonna love myself
more than anyone else
believe in me, even if someone can’t see
the stonger woman in me
I’m gonna be my own best friend
stick with me till the end
won’t lose myself again
no, no
cause there’s a stronger woman, stronger woman
theres a steronger woman, a stronger woman in me
a stronger woman in me

So..the thing is...

A complicated conversation went down last night. The worst part is that I don't really know how I feel about it all. I can't help but feel distant and confused because it seems that I am lacking something that is needed. For now, I will play it by ear. I've got a busy week coming up. bowling tomorrow, party on Thursday, rehearsal on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday. Whew..I can't think about all of this and still get through the week. So, I vow to let it go today and pick it up some other day when I feel like I can figure out what the hell happened last night.

hmmm

I never realized that I could be so happy and so sad at the same time. Interesting how life can throw a curve ball at you and you never see it coming.

Tink...oh to be Tink

There is something so comforting in the world of neverland. Tink and her fairy friends are so wonderful. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed their story until I had the chance to share it with someone. Now I must seek out the new book, so that I can continue the story with her.

Near to You

he and I had something beautiful

but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last

I loved him so but I let him go

‘cause I knew he'd never love me back

such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced

I'm still reeling from the loss,

still a little bit delirious

near to you, I am healing

but it's taking so long

'cause though he's gone

and you are wonderful

it's hard to move on

yet, I'm better near to you.

you and I have something different

and I'm enjoying it cautiously

I'm battle scarred,

but I am working oh so hard

to get back to who I used to be

he's disappearing, fading steadily

well, I'm so close to being yours,

won’t you stay with me, please

near to you, I am healing

but it's taking so long

'cause though he's gone

and you are wonderful

it’s hard to move on

yet, I'm better near to you

I only know that

I am better where you are

I only know that

I am better where you are

I only know that I belong

where you are

near to you, I am healing

but it's taking so long

'cause though he's gone

and you are wonderful

it’s hard to move on

yet, I'm better near to you

************************************************

I am so inlove with this girl. A Fine Frenzy is her name, well actually her name is Allison. Her CD is One Cell in the Sea. I love her music, it speaks to me the way music usually doesn't.

In the words of Taylor Swift

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, im just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world


P.S. Does anyone happen to be laying on 40,000 dollars I could have? Just putting that out there. Thinking about how to pay for my next couple years of school and that would make it SO much easier. So, if you wanna help a girl out, I'd love it.

yummy

waffles for breakfast..no better way to start the day. homemade waffles at that! yummy yummy yummy. Off to work...to fix up al the stuff from last night. Yippeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A good day

Today, it's going to be alright
becuase I said so!

**********************************************************

In the past four days I have trudged through a range of emotions. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is only getting brighter everyday. I am so thankful for everyone that has been there to listen to me whine about all of this. So thankful.

Today, I break out the sappy love songs and the break-up songs that are about resolutions and moving on. I think I'm back to my old self. Still healing but it's getting better and I'm looking forward to the future.

**********************************************************

Over the weekend I wrote a journal entry about different kinds of breakups. Someone was asking me how I had managed to move on so quickly. What I need people to understand is that I'm okay. I really feel like I had already resolved that it was over. It was finished, I was hanging on to something that was dead. I knew it was over but I couldn't admit it. Once I did I really felt relieved. I was happier that first week than I had been in months even with the saddness of losing my friend and my companion. He wasn't the same any more, he was someone I didn't know, and not the person that I loved anymore. This kind of breakup is so different than one that you haven't been expecting. I had already hurt through all of this, I was already healing, then by breaking it off I broke open my wound again. So, I'm okay...even if my entries have been emo. I think that I write more about the sad things because it's easier to write about than talk about it. The good things I can talk about, I can tell people about them and I don't feel strange. So, from here on out I will do my best to be more optimistic. Because really...it's not that bad.

**********************************************************

P.S. Mom, I'm okay. Thanks for being supportive and a bit worried. I'm just emo in my blog, I am not depressed. I love you!