Surprise

You know that thing about not liking surprises. Well now you know that the reason I hate them so much is because they make me feel like poo before. I really thought that you had forgotten me. That I was just out of sight out of mind. That I haven't asked you to come visit because I know that you have been busy. That I've spent EVERY weekend for the past two months in Apopka, even though I have tons to do at my house to get ready to move, because I didn't have the heart to ask you to come visit me because I was trying to make things easier. To hear that you had an entire day off that you filled with plans without even asking about me really hurt. More than I could ever explain to you. I tried really hard not to be upset. I know that you have family and friends who need to spend time with you. I know that they don't see you very often because of work and school. I was really trying to be understanding, to quell the outrageous feeling of loneliness. I just needed to not talk to you because the more I did the harder it was and the more upset I got. It's hard to feel forgotten.

When you woke me up, I didn't want to hear that you were coming here. I was sure that my attitude had made you change your mind and I didn't want to be your second thought. More than that I didn't want to have an attitude, or to be upset at all.

So, your coming. SURPRISE!!!! So why do I still feel like poo?

Then

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mesmerized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
Taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yet
But I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And I remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there
Once again, I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how
I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then

I'm Hiding

I'm in a kind of funk lately. I was looking forward to being on the go at 100 MPH again. Now, not looking like that is going to be happening. For the time being I have to figure out how to not be looking at the end of my five year plan and wishing it was tomorrow. Is it cliche to say that my biggest problem right now is not having a problem? Sure life isn't perfect but I don't feel like I have a tangible goal at the moment. It's kind of suffocating to not where I'm going. I've always had a direction. I feel directionless, like I'm wandering with only a vague idea of the end of the road.

I wonder daily if my life will always feel so incomplete. I'm bored, but not sure what to do. I should be de-cluttering, in preparation for moving, but there is no fun in that.

I've been feeling itchy to do something crafty. I don't know what to do though. Part of me would really like to tackle my office/craft room. Getting that organized and de-cluttered could be really good for me.

I need a major to-do list. The problem is that every time I make the list I only accomplish half of the the objectives and then I lose interest. I'm going to need to buckle down and finish if I have any hope of being organised enough to move directly after a week away from home.

So, while I have a short term goal, this whole moving thing, I feel like I'm without any real sense of what to accomplish in the next year or so.

Angry

Maybe it's just me. Maybe, I'm seeing some misrepresented portion of the media. I really hope that's the case but, I fear that it's not. I'd like to say here that I'm an independent. I'm not registered to either party and I don't care to be. What I can't seem to wrap my head around is how last fall Republicans were chomping at the bit to spend nearly a trillion dollars on big banks that greedily got in over their heads and pulled the rest of us down with them, but now aren't the least bit interested in spending money to help the average American become employed and less dependent on environmentally unfriendly energy sources. Really! John McCain was reported to have said that this bill is to big yet, he is the one who pushed for big spending for banks that got the money but have yet to do anything with it to help unfreeze the credit markets, instead just adding it to the balance sheet and letting it sit. I'm so tired of the sore loser mentality of the republican party. Get over yourselves already!!!!

One more thing. Obama isn't racist, at least not in the way some people are claiming. I know several people that have been affected by the snow and ice storms in KY and they are screaming that no one is acting to help them. Some of them keep blaming Obama and saying that he doesn't want to help the white republicans who didn't vote for him. Let's get something straight here. Stop comparing your ice storm to Hurricane Katrina. Yeah you were without power and yeah some people have suffered damage to their homes. But the number of people who died is significantly lower. Yes, you have been touched by a natural disaster and you should be getting some relief. If you're not, get off your loud, lousy complaining butt and contact the people that can help you. The local government, your senator or representative. Stop complaining on facebook that the country, by overwhelming (compared to the past 2 elections) majority, elected a racist black guy who could care less about you poor suffering white republicans who didn't vote for him. People like you are part of the problem with racism today not part of the solution.
p.s. Those who were most majorly affected in Hurricane Katrina were not white. They pulled the race card on Bush and you jumped to his defense saying that wasn't the case. So, let's use that same logic here. Perhaps there are other issues at play here.

I'm not exactly a fan of yet another HUGE spending package. But, if the government can bail out Wall Street and their greed they can surely spend an equal amount trying to make jobs and improve the lives of it's average citizen. Who knows what's actually in the bill, where the money will actually go or if it will actually help. But I have to pray that something will make a difference and we can start to dig out of the mess that we are in.

a weird week

It's been a weird week. I've been making pro-con lists that would make Rory Gilmore proud. So far a decision hasn't been made. I keep thinking that maybe I'll feel differently when I have more information. As it stands right now, I don't know what to do. Last night I realized that one of the my biggest fears is being seen as a disappointment if I choose not to go. In that same thought I'm afraid that later I'll see myself as a disappointment. All I know is that I have no idea. This kind of indecision is not good for me. It drives me to the point of distraction, and near depression. I don't want to give up on this, but I think that I'm in need of two fully functional plans. Maybe it will get better soon. Maybe I'll be able to figure something out. In time this will all play out and I'll look back here and chuckle at my impatient self, until then I'll just drive myself up the wall of the loony bin!

*shrugs shoulers*

I feel like I keep having this conversation with myself

Will you be upset if you don't get in to grad school?
*shrugs shoulders*
What do you really want to do?
*shrugs shoulders*
What will you do after grad school?
*shrugs shoulders*
Would you rather stay here?
*shrugs shoulders*

So, I can't get a straight answer. I never imagined how incredibly frustrating this would feel. It's like my brain is pretending to be two years old or something. Maybe it's on auto pilot in an effort to not stress over the fact that it has now been 3 months since I sent in my application and I've yet to here anything back. I'm nervous. The contingency plan was never supposed to actually be the plan but I find myself spending more time working out how it could actually work. Maybe that's bad, I have no idea. My heart just doesn't feel like it's in it anymore. I'm discouraged and frustrated at the same time. That's a hard place to be.

Something you may not know

A change seems to be taking place in me. I seem to be headed in a modified direction. Still going in the same general direction just, a more definite way. I don't know it's really hard to explain. All I can say is that I think I'm ready, but really you just never know.

Over the weekend I talked to Matthew about why he isn't a member of his own church. I think that maybe I might have been able to help him see that there is no time like the present. In talking to him I sort of realized that I've done the exact same things in my life. I keep putting off deciding think that at some point I'll have more time to read and really comprehend to the best of my ability. So, in an effort to take a bit of my own advice I'm on my way to reading through the Bible and trying to at least be able to understand in some chronological order how these things came to pass. I sort of feel really behind the ball and like I'm running to catch up but, I'm giving it my best effort and that's all I can do.

All of this leads to a conversation had last night about my complete and utter impatience. I have never been a patient person. I need lots of distractions when I have to wait for things and currently nothing is big enough to distract me from thinking about the possible directions my life could be headed in August. So, Matthew says to me patience is a virtue and I snap back one I have never possessed. And then he replies, Well maybe God is trying to teach you to be patient. I suppose that I have never looked at it that way. Maybe he is right. All I know is that for some reason today I feel less restless and that even though not knowing is a huge pain I can sort of still function.

The design process for R.U.R. has been sort of delayed. The original vision didn't really line up with the people who got cast and now the designs are being re-worked so we are in a holding pattern in the shop. So, maybe this afternoon I'll get another section done on my quilt.