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It's Freezing!

So I'm a few days behind on Radvent. There are a couple of entries that I wrote in my physical journal. A love letter to myself and an entry about forgiveness. The next two entries are a playlist from the year and going on an adventure. Sadly I didn't have time for an adventure today but I think I can squeeze one in tomorrow. And I'm working on a playlist. I'm not sure how to get one up here and what exactly I want to put on it. I have a few ideas.

In the mean time it's is freezing cold here. My fingers are turning blue and I think I'll have to break down and turn the heat up because otherwise I might not be able to get to sleep. I'm almost finished with a project that just keeps hanging around and I'll be glad when it's done! Maybe I'll even post some pictures.

Also working on Christmas. I keep making the same list over and over and then realizing I already made that list. It's like part of my brain is just not functioning. Maybe it's the cold. Hopefully I'll be able to get a little bit accomplished when I go on my adventure tomorrow. Oh and it's Matthew's birthday on Thursday...maybe a gift is in that adventure too!

I'm going to go try to get warm. Maybe with some coffee or a down blanket and flannel pjs.

Radvent Day 2

Focus on one drawer, table, or surface today and spend 15 minutes making it pretty! (And take a pretty picture afterward to motivate yourself!)

I have occasional love affairs with organization. I love a folder with lots of dividers, everything in it's place. But mostly I live in a state of just organized enough. Some of that has to do with having to much stuff, some of that is because I function well in a little bit of a mess and most of the reason revolves around never being able to find anything when everything is put away. The exception to this rule is usually my work space although lately my storage area at work has grown into a BEAST. I meant to tackle that project today but found myself distracted with a box of loveliness that arrived in the morning and then students in the afternoon working on final projects. So, I set out to clean up the bookshelf in my bedroom instead.

Before Shot 1

Before Shot 2

This book case is in my bedroom. It is a catch all for just about everything. It gets out of control quickly and it just stays that way. It's a complicated system of books because I read a lot. The books not shelved are waiting to be read. The books on top are read and waiting to get passed on or put away.

After Shot 1

After Shot 2

SO MUCH BETTER! The books on the top are now waiting for the next trip to Goodwill even though I just went today in an effort to clear out some clutter that's been hanging around in the living room. Some of those books to be read have never peaked my interest enough to actually pick them up so may be it's time to let them go too. And I went ahead and cleaned up the top of the dresser too. Maybe cleaning the fan will make it to the to0do list after this weekend.

It feels good to see the shelves again.

The First Day of Radvent

Radvent Day 1: Remembering

What were you doing five years ago today? As the holiday season began? Where were you? Who were you with? What did you want? What did you have?

Five years ago seems like an entire lifetime ago! December of 2005 I was living in Kentucky. Richmond, Kentucky to be exact. Going to school at Eastern Kentucky University. Weeks before I had learned that it would be my last year as I had my second to last advising appointment and the scheduling elves seemed to have been on my side. I was dating a guy who would become a very big mistake for me. At the time though we were blissful and not looking forward to spending the holidays apart.

One of the strongest memories I have from this time is building friendships with people that have become such a big part of my life. We were just getting to know each other and it was exciting to see that we were going to be great friends. I remember watching my 'nephew' who was really the young son of one of those friends. And I remember being excited that this couple was going to be having a baby in a few short months!

I know that after the holidays things started to move really fast at school as I was looking for a place to intern and trying desperately not to come home. I ended up coming home to work at a men's clothing store in town and I can see now that that was for the best. I wanted so badly to work in merchandising for menswear and I had no idea how to get there. After that internship I totally changed gears. The attitude of the people that I was working with had a lot to do with me leaving.

I moved on to the job I have now, which is the best job ever. It allows me to be creative and work in a place of great freedom with lots of tools. I love what I'm doing now and I'm sad that the future seems to be holding a move away from this place.

That mistake of an ex would later move to FL and we got engaged even when I could feel that we were falling apart. It took a whole year to summon the courage to walk away from that train wreck. But I gained so much, learned so much about myself and really put myself in a better place.

Five years ago I had new friends that are still such a huge part of my life, I had the freedom that comes with college and the fear that comes with seeing the end in sight, I had a loving family, I had a hand to hold. I wanted to break out, to do something great with my life, to be a success. I would say that I'm still on that same path except the definition of success seems to be coming into focus a little differently.

-Pamela Joyce

A Return of Sorts

It has been so long since I have written here. But, I have decided to blow out the cobwebs and give it another try. I feel like I have missed a huge opportunity to be able to go back and look at what I've done in the past year or two. It has been amazing and I wish that I could re-read it for myself. So, with a little help I plan to do my best to get it together here.

I have been following Princess Lasertron for a long time. I love her blog and her products and her creativity and her awesomeness. She became a huge part of my wedding by supplying all of the parts and pieces to my flowers. She is doing a blog journaling project and I figured what better way to jump back in than to be following a project.


So, it starts tomorrow. We'll see what's in store. I must say I am quite excited!

Pamela Joyce

Testing 1, 2, 3...
Trying out mobile blogging, we'll see how this goes.

Floating Around

So, there is a whole lot floating around in my brain. I just can't decide how to get all down. In the mean time, things are good. Just a couple things left on the dreaded summer to-do list. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new bag into existence, going to try out the Multi-Tasker with Home-Dec fabric like it actually calls for and maybe a few extra pockets.

School starts in 11 days. I'm so excited about our season this year.

I'm off to finish the list, woot!

Beast

The things you say are not fair
You attack like a sad political ad
But then, not fair is how it usually is.

All I did was listen,
I'm aware of other people
I didn't even have to try.

You can say we're not alike
And I might agree with you now
Because I don't want to be like you

Fitting how that flows
I'm sure it mutual
Gladly, I'll stay on my side and you on yours

It wasn't even my idea
I was content to just let it go
to worry silently

Go on with your dislike
continue with your disdain
but leave my name and my character

Where Do I Begin

Where do I begin my love?
Starting with the things I haven't said enough of
Starting with the day you changed my life and ending with the way I feel tonight
Where do I begin?

Where do I belong if you're not here?
Cause, this is way beyond my darkest fear
Don't know where I end or where I start
Each mile in between is way too far
Where do I begin?

I've always counted all my blessings
Knowing you defend me, stand by my side
If onlyI didn't lose my senses each time I intended these words to come out right
Where do I begin my love?

Maybe with the morning you brought me the sun
Maybe with the stars from outter space
You took a few and lit up my face
Where do I begin?

I've always counted all my blessings
Knowing you defend me, stand by my side
If only I didn't lose my senses each time I intended for these words to come out right
Where do I begin my love?

I always read the last page instead of the first one
There's no need to rush it all in
I love you and I'll say it again
Where do I begin?
Where do I begin?
Now where should we begin?

-Idina Menzel, Where Do I Begin

A Different Perspective

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said:¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with the dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Seaand the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids, on the other hand, don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to their identity crisis’s: are they fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them. Not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good gosh, look how smart I am”.

*reposted from a private diarist*

tip me over and pour me out

You know that feeling you get when everything is right, and good and you suddenly feel like you want things that don't really matter or that you don't really want.

Enter the thoughts rattling about in my head.

Things have been hectic lately. I've been very busy and still bored. Happy but somehow still discontent. I feel like someone needs to shake me.

I just want to scream, that it's not fair. But what is it that isn't fair? I want to not have to wait for what is coming to me if I just would have the patience. I know that growing those patience will do me good.

ARGH!!!!

Off to study for a test tomorrow....yay!

Surprise

You know that thing about not liking surprises. Well now you know that the reason I hate them so much is because they make me feel like poo before. I really thought that you had forgotten me. That I was just out of sight out of mind. That I haven't asked you to come visit because I know that you have been busy. That I've spent EVERY weekend for the past two months in Apopka, even though I have tons to do at my house to get ready to move, because I didn't have the heart to ask you to come visit me because I was trying to make things easier. To hear that you had an entire day off that you filled with plans without even asking about me really hurt. More than I could ever explain to you. I tried really hard not to be upset. I know that you have family and friends who need to spend time with you. I know that they don't see you very often because of work and school. I was really trying to be understanding, to quell the outrageous feeling of loneliness. I just needed to not talk to you because the more I did the harder it was and the more upset I got. It's hard to feel forgotten.

When you woke me up, I didn't want to hear that you were coming here. I was sure that my attitude had made you change your mind and I didn't want to be your second thought. More than that I didn't want to have an attitude, or to be upset at all.

So, your coming. SURPRISE!!!! So why do I still feel like poo?

Then

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mesmerized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
Taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yet
But I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And I remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there
Once again, I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how
I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
Now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then

I'm Hiding

I'm in a kind of funk lately. I was looking forward to being on the go at 100 MPH again. Now, not looking like that is going to be happening. For the time being I have to figure out how to not be looking at the end of my five year plan and wishing it was tomorrow. Is it cliche to say that my biggest problem right now is not having a problem? Sure life isn't perfect but I don't feel like I have a tangible goal at the moment. It's kind of suffocating to not where I'm going. I've always had a direction. I feel directionless, like I'm wandering with only a vague idea of the end of the road.

I wonder daily if my life will always feel so incomplete. I'm bored, but not sure what to do. I should be de-cluttering, in preparation for moving, but there is no fun in that.

I've been feeling itchy to do something crafty. I don't know what to do though. Part of me would really like to tackle my office/craft room. Getting that organized and de-cluttered could be really good for me.

I need a major to-do list. The problem is that every time I make the list I only accomplish half of the the objectives and then I lose interest. I'm going to need to buckle down and finish if I have any hope of being organised enough to move directly after a week away from home.

So, while I have a short term goal, this whole moving thing, I feel like I'm without any real sense of what to accomplish in the next year or so.

Angry

Maybe it's just me. Maybe, I'm seeing some misrepresented portion of the media. I really hope that's the case but, I fear that it's not. I'd like to say here that I'm an independent. I'm not registered to either party and I don't care to be. What I can't seem to wrap my head around is how last fall Republicans were chomping at the bit to spend nearly a trillion dollars on big banks that greedily got in over their heads and pulled the rest of us down with them, but now aren't the least bit interested in spending money to help the average American become employed and less dependent on environmentally unfriendly energy sources. Really! John McCain was reported to have said that this bill is to big yet, he is the one who pushed for big spending for banks that got the money but have yet to do anything with it to help unfreeze the credit markets, instead just adding it to the balance sheet and letting it sit. I'm so tired of the sore loser mentality of the republican party. Get over yourselves already!!!!

One more thing. Obama isn't racist, at least not in the way some people are claiming. I know several people that have been affected by the snow and ice storms in KY and they are screaming that no one is acting to help them. Some of them keep blaming Obama and saying that he doesn't want to help the white republicans who didn't vote for him. Let's get something straight here. Stop comparing your ice storm to Hurricane Katrina. Yeah you were without power and yeah some people have suffered damage to their homes. But the number of people who died is significantly lower. Yes, you have been touched by a natural disaster and you should be getting some relief. If you're not, get off your loud, lousy complaining butt and contact the people that can help you. The local government, your senator or representative. Stop complaining on facebook that the country, by overwhelming (compared to the past 2 elections) majority, elected a racist black guy who could care less about you poor suffering white republicans who didn't vote for him. People like you are part of the problem with racism today not part of the solution.
p.s. Those who were most majorly affected in Hurricane Katrina were not white. They pulled the race card on Bush and you jumped to his defense saying that wasn't the case. So, let's use that same logic here. Perhaps there are other issues at play here.

I'm not exactly a fan of yet another HUGE spending package. But, if the government can bail out Wall Street and their greed they can surely spend an equal amount trying to make jobs and improve the lives of it's average citizen. Who knows what's actually in the bill, where the money will actually go or if it will actually help. But I have to pray that something will make a difference and we can start to dig out of the mess that we are in.

a weird week

It's been a weird week. I've been making pro-con lists that would make Rory Gilmore proud. So far a decision hasn't been made. I keep thinking that maybe I'll feel differently when I have more information. As it stands right now, I don't know what to do. Last night I realized that one of the my biggest fears is being seen as a disappointment if I choose not to go. In that same thought I'm afraid that later I'll see myself as a disappointment. All I know is that I have no idea. This kind of indecision is not good for me. It drives me to the point of distraction, and near depression. I don't want to give up on this, but I think that I'm in need of two fully functional plans. Maybe it will get better soon. Maybe I'll be able to figure something out. In time this will all play out and I'll look back here and chuckle at my impatient self, until then I'll just drive myself up the wall of the loony bin!

*shrugs shoulers*

I feel like I keep having this conversation with myself

Will you be upset if you don't get in to grad school?
*shrugs shoulders*
What do you really want to do?
*shrugs shoulders*
What will you do after grad school?
*shrugs shoulders*
Would you rather stay here?
*shrugs shoulders*

So, I can't get a straight answer. I never imagined how incredibly frustrating this would feel. It's like my brain is pretending to be two years old or something. Maybe it's on auto pilot in an effort to not stress over the fact that it has now been 3 months since I sent in my application and I've yet to here anything back. I'm nervous. The contingency plan was never supposed to actually be the plan but I find myself spending more time working out how it could actually work. Maybe that's bad, I have no idea. My heart just doesn't feel like it's in it anymore. I'm discouraged and frustrated at the same time. That's a hard place to be.

Something you may not know

A change seems to be taking place in me. I seem to be headed in a modified direction. Still going in the same general direction just, a more definite way. I don't know it's really hard to explain. All I can say is that I think I'm ready, but really you just never know.

Over the weekend I talked to Matthew about why he isn't a member of his own church. I think that maybe I might have been able to help him see that there is no time like the present. In talking to him I sort of realized that I've done the exact same things in my life. I keep putting off deciding think that at some point I'll have more time to read and really comprehend to the best of my ability. So, in an effort to take a bit of my own advice I'm on my way to reading through the Bible and trying to at least be able to understand in some chronological order how these things came to pass. I sort of feel really behind the ball and like I'm running to catch up but, I'm giving it my best effort and that's all I can do.

All of this leads to a conversation had last night about my complete and utter impatience. I have never been a patient person. I need lots of distractions when I have to wait for things and currently nothing is big enough to distract me from thinking about the possible directions my life could be headed in August. So, Matthew says to me patience is a virtue and I snap back one I have never possessed. And then he replies, Well maybe God is trying to teach you to be patient. I suppose that I have never looked at it that way. Maybe he is right. All I know is that for some reason today I feel less restless and that even though not knowing is a huge pain I can sort of still function.

The design process for R.U.R. has been sort of delayed. The original vision didn't really line up with the people who got cast and now the designs are being re-worked so we are in a holding pattern in the shop. So, maybe this afternoon I'll get another section done on my quilt.

Stuck!!

Ever have a day when you feel utterly stuck in your own life. Not a bad kind of stuck, just stuck. Like I have so many things on my plate but I can't touch any of them right now. I just want to know the decisions and move on with my life. But that's not going to happen for some time I fear. Oh and there is the whole issue of what's going on in years 4 and 5 of the five year plan. Could someone please invent some sort of filter that lets you only see past the next 6 months when you need to and not because you're being all whimsical and teary eyed over everyone you know getting married in the last year, save one, okay maybe three. The others were already married so they don't count. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

So off I go to pout about my life being a big huge tease and nobody being able to do a single thing about it. On a bright note, pork roast for dinner. Now that's something that I can really look forward to....pshhhh who am I kidding that doesn't hold a candle to planning your imaginary wedding with an endless budget.

Now, to be resolute

My new year's resolutions:

• Keep my kitchen clean
• Go through all of my boxes before I move again
• Finish my TAW quilt top by the time I move
• Be better at sticking to my budget
• Keep up with my blogs
• Walk every day for at least 20 minutes
• Fit into the dress on the door by Dec.

So, 7 resolutions shouldn't be to hard to keep. What blows my budget every month is fast food. In order to accomplish fitting into the dress I have to cut out the fast food. Walking everyday should help with this too. I hate cleaning the kitchen when it gets really yucky so I'm hopeing tackling it daily will prevent having to clean it on the weekend. Hopefully, in July, I'll be moving to Baton Rouge, LA to start graduate school. This means downsizing a whole lot so I need to go through everything that I have. Lastly, I've been working on this TAW quilt off and on for nearly two years. I'd like to get it done so I can enjoy it.

I do an okay job of keeping this blog up to date but I now have two others to keep track of too. My craft blog can be found at http://pjcraftfun.blogspot.com I hope to do a better job at photographing my craft work and posting it there. The holdiay season went by with nearly everyone on my list getting some sort of gift I worked on and I now have no picutres of those projects. Grrr!

Also, I created a new blog to track this new lifestyle change. http://52to52lessofpj.blogspot.com I'll work at putting some progress photos up in the near future and also some recipes that I really really love and are pretty healthy.

So, here's to a new year full of lots of fun.