packing

I love to travel, it's so exciting. However, I DO NOT love to pack. So, I've got my to do list and my packing list and my list of things to make sure I don't forget and the list of things for the dog that he needs to stay with my parents. Because I love a good list this is the easy part. Tonight starts the work of actually doing the things on the to do list and getting the stuff together to be packed and putting a bag together for Riley. ARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! I hate to pack, hate, hate, hate to pack. Okay, so I have nothing better to do tonight and it will keep me busy and then first part of my vacation is 4 days with Matthew so I guess that's not so bad. Alright...off to finish my day at work (eek, must get finished patterning today!) and then head home to pack!

...

the things that I want have never been more or less clear. i'm not sure exactly how that is possible but it is true. try talking with someone about what we talk about, they think i'm nuts and sane all at the same time. i feel like a yo-yo that can't decide. bliss, on my mind and in my heart spreads across my face when you cross my thoughts. 100 miles a minute and i still can't keep up. like a paint swirl that just keeps going, getting more mixed up with every second. think less, let it go but that's hard for me and i don't want that to show.

You Can Let Go Now

Wind blowin' on my face

Sidewalk flyin' beneath my bike

A five year-old's first taste

Of what freedom's really like

He was runnin' right beside me

His hand holdin' on the seat

I took a deep breath and hollered

As I headed for the street

You can let go now, Daddy

You can let go

Oh, I think I'm ready

To do this on my own

It's still a little bit scary

But I want you to know

I'll be okay now, Daddy

You can let go

I was standin' at the altar

Between the two loves of my life

To one I've been a daughter

To one I soon would be a wife

When the preacher asked,

'Who gives this woman?'

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears

He kept holdin' tightly to my arm

'Til I whispered in his ear

You can let go now, Daddy

You can let go

Oh, I think I'm ready to do this on my own

It still feels a little bit scary

But I want you to know

I'll be okay now, Daddy

You can let go

It was killin' me to see

The strongest man I ever knew

Wastin' away to nothin'

In that hospital room

'You know he's only hangin' on for you'

That's what the night nurse said

My voice and heart were breakin'

As I crawled up in his bed, and said

You can let go now, Daddy

You can let go

Your little girl is ready

To do this on my own

It's gonna be a little bit scary

But I want you to know

I'll be okay now, Daddy

You can let go

You can let go

Crystal Shawanda

I don't think I know anymore

Maybe, just this once I'll admit that life scares me sometimes. Not enough to hide from it, just enough for me to have a healthy fear of what I don't know. I looked because I was curious and wanted to know. The two programs sound similar but they use big words that I don't understand. If I had to guess you'll probably stay here which, I think might be better. After all, you worked all this out ahead of time and I trust that you found the best fit for you. The way you talk to me, amazes me on a daily basis. I don't feel freaked out and confused or that you'll poke fun at me. Now, for some research of my own. Where should I look? Where should I not look? Who has those answers?

to plan

Some people are cut out to fly by the seat of their pants. They just drift along and take what comes to them. They are a unique lot because they can adapt very quickly, always managing to make the best of their circumstance if they are are going to be happy. Of course, there are those who float along but aren't really cut out for this type of life. These are people who take no responsibility in their lives and are perpetually blaming their strife and hardship on everyone around them. They never find true happiness and they will never understand why. I am neither of these kinds of people. I am the kind of person who needs a plan. I need direction in my life and I can never stand still for very long. The thing is though that I feel like I am bit of a mixture of sorts. I love to have a plan and a map but I am eager to detour and find what is off the beaten path. I feel a little bit like I'm talking in a circle here. The fact is, in Feb. I rewrote my 5 year plan to actually be six years and I would end with my PhD. Now, I'm not sure exactly how to work it all out again. Because gallivanting off to LA for the next 5 years is looking more and more like a plan I'm not ready to follow through on. Yes, I'm ready to go back to get my masters, yes I want to go up to LSU, yes I'm eager to sink my soul into learning again. I just don't know if I'm ready to go for five years. There is so much going on in my brain today. All I have left to do is chat it all out and see where the cards lay.

daydream

sometimes i wonder what my life looks like from an outside perspective. i feel busy but when i look at the big picture i'm really doing a lot less these days. i'm excited about the future and the cool things that are setting up right now, but i wonder if someone on the outside of my life would just see history repeating. is it really different this time, or did i just make that up?

yet to be determined

Poised to write a story
Full of faith and trust
Make believe and pixie dust
Ready to jump head first
Into unknown depths
Hold my hand and make it true
Breathe with me and jump on through
A dream to good to miss
Has happened right before me
New and exciting
The chance to start fresh
To have the ending
I thought I could only read