yummy

waffles for breakfast..no better way to start the day. homemade waffles at that! yummy yummy yummy. Off to work...to fix up al the stuff from last night. Yippeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A good day

Today, it's going to be alright
becuase I said so!

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In the past four days I have trudged through a range of emotions. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is only getting brighter everyday. I am so thankful for everyone that has been there to listen to me whine about all of this. So thankful.

Today, I break out the sappy love songs and the break-up songs that are about resolutions and moving on. I think I'm back to my old self. Still healing but it's getting better and I'm looking forward to the future.

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Over the weekend I wrote a journal entry about different kinds of breakups. Someone was asking me how I had managed to move on so quickly. What I need people to understand is that I'm okay. I really feel like I had already resolved that it was over. It was finished, I was hanging on to something that was dead. I knew it was over but I couldn't admit it. Once I did I really felt relieved. I was happier that first week than I had been in months even with the saddness of losing my friend and my companion. He wasn't the same any more, he was someone I didn't know, and not the person that I loved anymore. This kind of breakup is so different than one that you haven't been expecting. I had already hurt through all of this, I was already healing, then by breaking it off I broke open my wound again. So, I'm okay...even if my entries have been emo. I think that I write more about the sad things because it's easier to write about than talk about it. The good things I can talk about, I can tell people about them and I don't feel strange. So, from here on out I will do my best to be more optimistic. Because really...it's not that bad.

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P.S. Mom, I'm okay. Thanks for being supportive and a bit worried. I'm just emo in my blog, I am not depressed. I love you!

Thursday

complicated doesn't even touch it
fear runs over my strength
the whole world fades away
all I see is the past
playing before my eyes
overwhelmed and underestimated
and all I can say is
it hurts
everyday
I feel naked in front of everyone
raw and unavailable
still healing
still scabbing
still bleeding
sure that this scar will be ugly for a LONG tim
complicated doesn't even touch it

Dusty pile of pieces

glue me together please
for I know not how much longer
I can stand the anguish
of being broken

What If You

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today
I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn
But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight
So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place
So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

It feels good...

..to laugh again. I feel like I have a genuine smile on my face today. I'm getting all of my meanness out because on the first of February I have to not be mean anymore. Okay, so I'm not really that mean to begin with but I'll give it more of a concerted effort in the future. I feel so good. Every day is getting better. I'm so proud of myself for accomplishing so much this weekend. Tonight I'm going to clean my office and maybe move some things around. I can't wait to have a brand new work space. It is so exciting. I still have to go through the boxes my parents brought to my house after Christmas. I'll get through them, they just are sitting in the spare room right now. Well, I'm back to lab class for the afternoon, off to a meeting and then home to clean up. Yippee!

How Things Change

I feel a bit like a slacker. I have a four page to do list. The whole list is things that need to be cleaned, organized, moved or otherwise rearranged. I look at my house and I try to figure out how to make it different. How to change it so that it doesn't feel the same. My guest room is looking more like a bowling room everyday. I want to move the furniture in my bedroom around. I think it may be to heavy for me to do it alone though. I'll give it a try. I want to complete deep clean my house to get out the last bits of the reminders of him. Remove the pictures, put them away. I look at them and my heart hurts. I cry and I wonder when it will get better. At school things are good. I make it through the day without the tears, then I come home and the dog distracts me but if I catch a glimpse of him...it's all over. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last few weeks. I am proud of myself. I know that the next months will be hard. I look forward to the project at work and taking more photos to post here. My boss makes me feel like a complete slacker sometimes with her crafty blog that she keeps track of. Grrr..for people that keep track of there craftiness.

At any rate I must return home and get back to work on my house. I will get my list done. I will not get it done today and for the first time in a long time I'm okay with that.

"Life is a chance to grow a soul"

A. Powell Davies